so how do u guys mange it? do u feel guilty or hve come to accept the duality of our nature? pour ur mind out
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263363 | Posted On Mar 1, 2018
Why is this post not having any comments. Kindly add in ur views guys no harm in having healthy discussion |
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Madipakkambot | Posted On Mar 1, 2018
I rarely have *** with my wife and luckily she don't demand *** as she is so busy with the little baby...iam still have *** with guys and don't.feel guilty... |
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santVel | Posted On Mar 1, 2018
in home I don't hav any issues. rarely I meet guys may yearly once or twice as I don't get personal time to hunt. But coz of this I feel very much stressed out. The cursing places loosing attraction it is actually good for quickly pickup some body. I don't have guilty in having *** guys. |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 1, 2018
well i married cos i believe its tough for guys to be together for long...plus wanted kids....i have a kid now but my *** life in marriage sucks |
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jairam | Posted On Mar 3, 2018
Hi I am married, having grown up children , so I can not have *** with my wife , so I am interested in guys , is it wrong |
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Harshid | Posted On Mar 4, 2018
@jairam, as far as my personal opinion I don't want to comment wrong or right
But i felt some how bad on your statement saying since becoz u r not having s** with ur wife u want to have fun with guys .
Don't do that until u get a same wavelength of ur fun partner..I did see few people who is giving so much respect on gay feel..
So choose the fun partner with the same mindset of urs and proceed
Final statement- *** is an art .. feel and enjoy it |
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263363 | Posted On Mar 4, 2018
@Jairam sir, with all due respect and no tiniest intentions to criticise your comments.
I can understand your feelings for lack of *** your compensating with a guy. In my own life experience I have heard my grandparents accepting their intimacy, even my parents I have heard of their *** life. Having grown up kids shouldn't be a reason for no *** in life. *** is part of ones life n emotions. It's just a block that you have in your mind. There is no age restrictions for ***. If at all any physical limitations might be there that doesn't obstruct you to be intimate with your spouse sir. I hope I have not offended your feelings, this is just shared in best interest. I may have not seen your life nor have the experience as per ur age. But just sharing what I know sir.
If you general gay feelings that is totally fine |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 4, 2018
There was this thorn in me which kept saying that iam cheating not just with my wife but with my entire family....I have been active in ohmojo for just one week and iam enjoying the attention that iam getting....it is making me more adventurous which I don’t and should be....as I have chosen to marry and have a kid I should take some responsibility and do some justice to my role as a father....iam not saying that I will completely turn into a new leaf and not mess with guys at all....but I will not participate in site like these which pumps my blood and makes me active...I am choosing to mellow down....this will be a constant struggle in the hearts of married gay men....I only hope that we don’t stray away too much from our tracks....even though we might have less or no *** with our wives let us keep our gayness in limits and not give ourselves too much into it that it starts controlling us....I know this is too much gyan but this is what iam feeling right now....thx to a text from a friend who is also a ohmojo passive reader that iam feeling what iam feeling now (sooner than later for I was sure to feel it when the guilt was supposed to take over me....or worst I would have lost myself fully in just fun) |
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jairam | Posted On Mar 7, 2018
Hi gayspark , gone through ur comments I agree with u , but if spouse is not interested u can not force , moreover I am having gay instincts |
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ajjuvijju | Posted On Mar 12, 2018
I m married and have children. I m 32. I am having sexual life with my wife often. very much attached to children and living a good family life.. But deep inside I have my gay feelings and hunger.. So when it goes out of control, I suddenly signup on PR, grindr, etc and try to date..i also signup on ohmojo, to read as well as write/share.. Earlier I used to date and then deactivate accounts out of guilty.. But these days I rarely I date a guy.. Often guilty comes back again and I delete all accounts... I keep ohmojo account alone, just to read and share my thoughts.. It's kind of a relief for me... |
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santVel | Posted On Mar 13, 2018
nicely said ajiviju... there is nothing to be guilty. is occasional drinkers feel guilty? u r taking care family and thier needs properly. so no issue. |
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279488 | Posted On Mar 13, 2018
Certainly nothing to feel guilty as far as married guys r k to let their wife to choose a different xual partner if she prefers |
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ajjuvijju | Posted On Mar 13, 2018
Thanks for ur words Santvel and Shiv. Lets see. I ll try to overcome the guilt.. but the reason guilt hits me often is... wife is so much attached to me, she loves me a lot , and she is a pakka homely girl from village. Her thoughts and talks always revolves around me and our children . She wont prefer to date anyone like shiv said... i am her world. So out of my desires sometimes when i try to date , i feel that guilt somewhere... i cant peacefully date a guy.. exception if i am drunk LOL. I but i drink so rare like once or twice a year.. grrrr...If i drink i cant go home too..too |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 14, 2018
Dude.. It's all about what you want primarily .. If you love your wife and kid more than your personal desires then you can overweigh these gay feelings., but if you cannot come out of your gay feelings then keep it minimal. If you still feel a pang of guilt start concentrating on hobbies or activities which can give you diversion..
Try to be with family and friends for more time.. In my case when I am with family or even group of straight friends I rarely get any gay feelings.. Try it if it works out for you.. |
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funguy2016 | Posted On Mar 14, 2018
@Shivatier agree yes.. i dont knw why people have so much of guilt feelings....whether if its having *** with other woman or men out of marriage..... its after all ***.. not that anyone is kiling somsone or casusing harm or doing anything against the wish....... some poeple ( woman and men) are able to control their sexual feelings/desires after marriage..
some r totally satisfied with partner in bed, some r those who even though not satiafied, dont try outside, and there r some who may try to have fun with people outside maybe coz thy r not at al satisfied with partner, or they have more sexual carvings/desires and appetite ... its just based on individual.... as long as family is not disturbed.. i realy dont knw wht is the guilt feelig about as if somsone has raped or forcrd someone to certaing things............ sexual desires and all r bodily need man.. it cannot be and shouldbe supressed. if we do so more prbs will occur.. yes control is always good.. but sometimes going over the board i s no big deal.... feel by seeing people suffering around u.... feel by seeing the amount of sufferings some people r going thru in life. and if possible try to help them and be happy.....rather than feeling guilt vuilt on sexual acts. common |
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funguy2016 | Posted On Mar 14, 2018
typo.. i said sexual desires cannot be and shouldnot be supressed |
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265292 | Posted On Mar 14, 2018
@funguy: Exactly, I agree with you. We cannot suppress our sexual feelings for a long time, here some guys boast saying they won't have *** with guys after marriage but will do mutual masturbation (as it is not *** for them)!! At some point of time we feel to relieve our urges. Then why boasting, setting rules, etc. |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
Loneliness kills guys....one day all alone at home (even with ac technicians working) I felt so low and down...don’t know how guys who stay alone at home make it...very tough for extroverts....I was checking ohmojo every 5 min to engage myself in conversation with others....pathetic |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
I bet.. You can get used to it.. ;) |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@valentine, yes but some days can b really bad...the mind plays tricks and is the real culprit...I have stayed alone but usually don’t feel as bad as I felt yesterday.... |
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263363 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@Raghu, yes totally can relate to you occasionally staying alone at home even for a day can be nerve wrecking. But once we get used to it u would fall in love with the solitude
I am an extrovert but still love loneliness
Though being married I lived all alone abroad for three to four years with occasional visits to India. May be got used to it. My wife often complains that I have got used to staying alone |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@gaysparks....I was alone to after marriage for 2 yrs in the US...I was perfectly fine...but yesterday I was confined to one room as the ac guys were working outside and don’t know why I felt so low....I couldn’t even watch *** to cheer myself as the guys were outside....finally when they left at 10pm I could finally watch *** and u know what...then I felt better.... |
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273112 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
As a single guy I always had a doubt for married men. Are married men willing to be in a genuine gay relationship? I understand the difficulties involved but I was just curious. |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@uglyduckling....I personally find it not practical if u even have some level of attachment with ur family....but of course friendship with other like minded gay married man can be a long term possibility...of course frequency should match....friends with benefits can b icing on the cake |
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Deep Dutta | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
Well !! I could not suppress temptation to say a few words. Married men can NEVER be your own. They are just benefit seekers & they come to social media, only get rid of the boredom or monotonousness of their so-called happy married life. (If you are so called happy with your wife & family, or really responsible or busy with family, then where from you get chance/time for executing gayness & extra marital *** ?? Are you kidding me ?? Every body knows an idle mind is devil's workshop). I do NOT want to comment about the fact that why did you get married in spite of being gay and/or are you really a gay at all ?? NObody bothers about this, isn't it ? right ? After all this is yours induced theory "I am a married man, I want NO STRING ATTACHED (NSA) fun". Truely speaking, their string will be attached to NO one in the universe, the reason is quite clear, because a fellow who can have extra marital gay ***, by cheating his own (faithful) wife, how do you expect him to be honest with you at all ?? NO way simply. Some will say about frequency / wavelength all those bul***its, oh common !! I guess majority of the married / so-called public are NOT communication engineers/chemists, that you would talk about "gay relationship spectroscopy" :D :D . Henceforth, refrain from using those terms frequency / wavelength and blah blah blah, because you are NOT at all worthy about using those terms.
PS : If my statements hurts you feeling, then don't worry, I will NEVER say sorry to you. I guess this platform provides freedom to anybody to express their unbiased opinion.
PSS : If you curse/abuse/humiliate me in your comments (as I might seem to be contradictory with your sentiments / ego), go ahead with doing that . LoL :D :D I won't reply back at all. |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@Deep Dutta.....couldn’t agree more with u dude....u put it in crude words but true words....may b our strings r attached to none....and yes we kill our boredom here.....we r cats on walls....we wish to have the cake and eat it too...such is our irony.....frequency is not totally bullshit....it gets us going with a person for sometime until our responsibilities/guilt pulls us back on track.....
I didn’t expect such experienced words from someone so young as u...u have learnt well |
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273112 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@Deep Dutta what you say is true. Leading an unbalanced double life is difficult. But I find fault with the social construct we have. On one hand there are rigid rules and lables, self deception in the name of "sanctity of marriage" "family values" which are the worst limitations. And on the other hand there are gay guys who submit to these notions. I think a change would come when one can face their conscience and choose the path that calls them from within, whatever it might be. Living a double life adds up to the stress and stains everything. |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
@Deep Dutta - well you may wish not to ask sorry but you will definitely feel sorry for a married gay guy. By gay guys I mean only the born gays not the opportunistic guys who find easy *** on a pretext as gay.
* First of all, can you name at least one guy who wasn't cheated by a fellow gay guy who was willing to have a proper relationship but been used or exploited or ignored ?. We all have our fair share of disappointments in this gay life.
* Also gay men are far more affectionate about their children. I can bet many gay men marry to have children. They learn to love their marital life for the sake of children. Secretly they also pray their children have a proper straight life not like us. Imagine the confusion we had during our formative years regarding our sexuality.
* Coming to the NSA - of course married men, prefer a NSA relationship since they love their family and their commitments take an upper hand than a promiscuous gay life.. But still many married men out here maintain a good friendship with a close few with whom they can be themselves.
One day the carnal needs of the life would be gone but a good relationship / friendship would hold on and that's the reason many married men are hooked up to a site like this..if getting laid or easy *** was the prime motive we always have Grindr or so many dating apps..
Btw., whatever I said holds for only for gay guys with a heart not for pleasure seekers who view such means for easy ***.. |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
Of course married men give in for societal constraints .. But what's wrong in it ?
Aren't straight men having extra marital affairs ?
Or the so called gay singles being genuine to your respective partners ?
How many gay singles are ready to come out of the closet and proclaim your sexuality and ready to lead a non - promiscuous life and being loyal to ur partner ?
Unless you have answers to above questions @deep_dutta you will never understand what a married gay guy underwent, undergoes or still longs in his life.. You ought to experience it
If you have honest answers |
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273112 | Posted On Mar 19, 2018
True that. There is a lot of psychological and sexual pressure.
And gay guys do make wonderful parents! And the very fact of being born as a 'minoroty' instantly makes us more broad minded and understanding. I think we always look out of the box. Im with you and soon will be one of you ;) |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 20, 2018
@Valentine @Sanilnair.....at a personal note my opinion on Deep Datta is not positive but I understand that he too like many others is has a hurt heart and is looking for someone to love him....his hurt feelings and loneliness is coming out in not so good ways....analysis on him apart, and only taking his words not his character, I cannot be without agreeing to a larger extent....yes we married men have our struggle, we love our children’s etc etc.....but it is also true that we are not faithful husbands....and it is us who chose to marry (for what ever reason u may site).....is it not true that our string are attached to none? Iam not saying that we are wrong or bad but we r the way v r....there are of course points where I disagree with Deep Dutta....he is wrong abt frequency and friendship....married gay men are very much capable of good and long friendship with other like minded gay men of frequency matches....
All gay men cheat for it is not in our geans to b monogamous but after a lot of one night stands gay men feel the boredom and try to find a male partner for long time....even if they stay in an open relationship, they heart may rest with one another....but for married men...as they are married are concerned their hearts are promises for their wife’s but not delivered (iam not talking abt children here) their hearts cannot be given to another male partner cos of the promise they made to their wives during marriage....so the heart for ever is in-transit....I pray God that our hearts find its destination...wife or other male partner but at least let it find....and am I not wishing that it b my wife? God we r cursed and we do have our own role in our state of existence for the choice was and is still ours.... |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 20, 2018
@ugly_duckling....well congratulation...I wish u a happy married life...I also hope that u r stepping in to our world fully aware of its pros and cons....if this is what u want then go for it |
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Mahesh80 | Posted On Mar 20, 2018
In real life choices are never in black and white, they come in bizzare, weird shades..many times we do not take the decisions (though we presume so), the decisions take us over and one is just a mute helpless spectator; the decision of gay men to get married could be one such decision. Though i myself i ve choosen to remain single; i fully understand the torments gone thro by married gay men. Every human being's mind has 2 aspects one is the personality, the outer mind which is given to him & moulded by the society and other is his core essence, the innate nature with which he is born; for every one there is a constant friction in the day to day affairs between his personality and his essence which spoils his peace of mind..for married gay men this conflict is even more pronounced. But every difficulty has its own silver lining, by facing them prudently, courageously & insightfully one emerges much stonger in life...how we face our difficulty and what choices we make; whether our choices affect others in any way all these r moot points to be considered by each one for himself, no one can be judgemental about others in this regard..within our conservative society many lgbt people have reached great heights sometimes heading some major indian states and the country as well..
Deep dutta has made some really valid points though bluntly; but i wouldn't be surprised if he gets married to a girl after few yrs..circumstances force many people to take different view points & stances at different stages of their life, many times self - contradicting their earlier stance in that process; for our perception and understanding of life differs at different ages. |
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Harshid | Posted On Mar 20, 2018
So many comments in this thread..let me post mine as well..
@deepdutta- you are right what you said..before that just think of urself "whats the meaning of true love".. there are many people (between any gender) still keep moving one after another and claiming still as true love for the current one.. straight guy goes to pub or msg center for fun...they do have "feel" so called "***" and "*** only". So as per ur statement do you say it's right or wrong...If u say it's wrong i agree ur statement.if u say it's right then I totally disagree ur comments on gay .I guess u may be impacted much causing this cruel statements but let that be as u will get metured....hope u also gone through relationship committments etc., U might be bored or u be ignored by people..u broke and left out of gay world ..no right ?..still u meet people either to share feel or *** satisfaction..that's life...I post this comment to support for married guys and still they are looking people not only for fun alone..
Just get married first and then try to come back to post something here..u will get to know |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
Well this one is about married men... I could not find a better place to post this than in this thread.. This incident happened just now in a restaurant I had been to now..
It was this famous restaurant chain., I had asked for a single seating as I went alone... I was given a table in the middle.. Once I placed my order and checking my phone, I saw a family walking in who took a seat on my left .. Bingo.. This guy who took the left seat was someone I had met ( shared pictures ) in planetromeo.. I instantly recognised him but he wasn't looking at me as he was busy talking to his family.. I was shooting momentary glances at him and in one such moment He saw me too.. I smiled at him but I don't know what held him back .. He wasn't smiling but started looking at me every now and then.. Now there was another couple who took the table in my right.. And this one too was Someone who had texted me in Grindr..Before I recognised him he did .. But once I saw him he was having a skeptic attempt whether to smile or not.. By then I was seeing on the left and right I didn't notice a guy (again with his wife and children) in the front table shooting momentary glances at me.. He was quite keenly observing while I was eating After all I guess he was verifying if I was the same guy as my lower half of face quite clearly visible in my display pic. (Guess he must be an oh mojo user..lol). With distractions on all three sides, it was indeed an experience of a kind today .. By then I paid and walked out of the restaurant the guy on the right atlast managed the guts to smile at me and I also smiled back at him as I was closing the restaurant's glass door behind..
And now to the point.. Guys be it the persons whom we accept or reject offline.. Atleast carry a coutesy smile when we meet in public., Of course I understand you are with your family but a flashing a smile could save us both from embarassment .. While u find umpteen chances to shot glances why not make a courtesy smile..? |
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Softmature * | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@valentine rightly said . Smiling at each other is a basic courtesy which I feel . Even if u r with u r family what stops u to smile . If I would have been there would have come and wished . No need to be guilty in saying to family as a friend. |
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273112 * | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@Valentine84 your experience was very cinematic! It could easily be a part of a movie!
Smiles are beautiful. People should smile more often without thinking too much. It was endearing that you did! |
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Marriedbi | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@ valentine
I completely understand what u would have felt when the other was thinking too much for a courtesy smile.
I have been in the same position like u were..
It happened during mid of the last year though it's pretty late. Let me share it with you all.
I saw this person on PR. We both live in the same locality and exchanged pic, numbers and were often chatting on watsapp during office hours. Since we live closeby I have seen his family members and he has seen mine as well in our association functions / meetings etc.
Then I had placed one weekend and he came.. We had great fun close to 2+ hours..
Post which we continued to chat at times in watsapp too..
That's when we had our association celebrations on.. Both our families were present, I being a fool told him a hi and asked h r u..and work.. He just stared and didn't even smile.. He behaved as if it's the first-time he is seeing me.. I was highly embrassed.
Post 2 days he is sending a sorry smilies msg which I ignored..
I was highly embrassed couldn't answer the questions my family asked me.. I had to manage stating I misidentified to an another person... Which was a big task in deed |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@ugly_duckling .. Our real life experiences are even more surreal than cinema.. Infact it was one such for me.. Left, right and centre.. All gay guys who recognised me ;).. But except for one none of them smiled.. |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@ Marriedbi - The same person who would have complimented your looks or you as a person in length in the Internet or during *** would suddenly look you as a zombie if he is with his family.. I have had numerous such incidents .. Though I am married guy myself I don't shy off to flash a smile even if I am with my family or not.. Infact I had a very good set of gay friends who came to my wedding with their respective families as well.. Infact I have a few good friends who introduced me to their family too.. |
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273112 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@Valentine84 I feel you. They should've smiled in my opinion. I would definitely have if I were there.
I also understand their concern though. Not all gays are trustworthy. There are many opportunistic guys who would easily create a scene. Maybe thoughts like this might have prevented them from reacting.
Here's a smiley for you on their behalf! 😊 |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
Rightly said ugly duckling....we never know what the other person might do if u smile....what if he come over to say hi? No all ppl can instantaneously build cover up stories |
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223077 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
I did and I do and I will do. I mean smiling. Valentine knows it. |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
@sanilnair. I know it., you did carry yourself well that day .. Though I just smiled you went ahead and introduced me to ur family which was ur congenial gesture .. |
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223077 | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
As far as you have guts to manage your wife/ family members/ straight friends with proper answer if she/they ask "why r u smiling at that guy? U know him?" then u r absolutely fine to smile at any G friends when u get to meet in public and when u r with ur family/ friends. Basically it's a physiological factor
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Shriram * | Posted On Mar 21, 2018
To those great men out there who are advising about smiling.
I will share an incident. I was at Reliance Trends RKSalai with my straight bestie, who happens to be my crush too. There came a guy whom I shared interests in PR. I smiled at him and he too. My bad time, my bestie knew that guy as he was also from his area and he was considered effeminate among his neighbouring circles. He was like questioning me left and right as to how I know him and why was I smiling at him and if know him already. It's difficult to hide things to your bestie and when he happens to be your crush, its all a total mess. I just told him, I just returned a smile and did not initiate anything of my own and I really don't know who was that. Then the PR friend came and said a hi to him and also to me. My bestie introduced me to him as his neighbour and we were like *-#737#(#!:. Later after we moved my friend warned me to be careful about him. Sad, but I felt it's better to keep these PR Grindr friendships discreet unless you have a fair reason to prove how you know each other. The worst part is you both must quote the same reason else embarrassment only |
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Ragu for fun | Posted On Mar 22, 2018
Nailed it Shriram.....smiles can only be exchanged when there is some level of trust....just cos someone expressed interest doesn’t mean we need to smile at them....even in foreign countries when ppl smile at u when u cross them while walking don’t smile at u when u are seated....there is a diff between courtesy and stupidity....for all practical purpose the gay guy whom u have not met or comfortable with IS a stranger |
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raja bot | Posted On Mar 22, 2018
If u smile u may want to talk
If you talk it will raise suspicions
If u happen to meet some one outside known n pr or grindr just ignore them if they are with friends or with family
Thats best for every people.
It will be an embarrasment if one is effimimate or unknown and one has to explain who is he...
Talk if they are alone or else just ignore.. |
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Valentine84 | Posted On Mar 22, 2018
@Shriram - I understand the implication .. of course it depends on the person, his personality and everything does matter.. But one simple question, while the person could find time and effort to shoot multiple glances at you, why not make an effort to smile so that it saves the other person from embarrassment too.. |
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263363 | Posted On Mar 23, 2018
@Valentine, @ajjuvijju @Raghu sir , really very very happy on reading the comments from this thread. Most of your discussions are practical, straight from heart, genuine. I can't agree more with you guys. Most of my feelings that I am going thro are answered in this post. Really proud of you guys .
I think this thread will be the correct place to reflect my emotions as well. Just felt like sharing , I may be right or I may be wrong, but I guess everyone's opinion is personal to their life. As we may not understand what exactly the other person is going through. So let me share with you my life in short.
As u all know from my previous threads my first sexual encounter with a shop keeper at age of 10-11 I guess. Following that incident my encounters with men started to grow steadily nothing penetration or deep just getting touched , cuddled, using me for masturbation etc made me feel more attracted towards men. Anything regarding male body started to turn me on . More encounters with classmates, explorations college and working men during bus journeys n being New to internet made me go crazy. May be something to do with my height, physique or looks I was early into it. My life took a different turn when I got married at an early age of 22 as early marriages run in my family. My life became more complicated as I was torn between *** with men and a women now. It's not that I didn't like *** with woman, but it's different now. Still I was sexually satisfied with both. I had to handle more than I could. I had my first child when I was 24. Still having sexual fantasies n encounters with men but now not frequent hook ups but meaningful romance with good gay friends. As my career took me alone abroad travelling to various countries I started to enjoy n explore the Fay experience around the globe in a mature manner. All this way I became emotionally attached to my spouse who grow up with my as a friend than a wife. She gave me all the space I needed as I missed my bachelor life n we have each other the space. I started to evolve more into my relationship with my wife n started to reduce my gay encounters but made meaningful friendships with whom I could spend time without having any guilt n without *** too at times. My gay friends do visited my family
Like any regular friends would do. It was really a happy world. I wanted to live more for my family n reduce my gay feelings of which I know I won't be able to control. It's not guilt it's just a reciprocation for what I have received unconditionally from my wife. I had a bad childhood with not much of parental or sibling attachment n love. So only attachment I had was with my wife. So I want to give it to her 100%.
But definitely cannot take away the gayness inside me or from me. Being still attracted to men I started avoiding n quitting all dating sites etc. It was 5 years ago I had to experience shock of my life when during routine blood testing I received a report stating I was HIV positive. I was shattered, I never had unproductive *** with anyone, I was more a top as I grew up and never even doubted an accidental exposure. I felt I was doomed and that was end of my beautiful life. When the counsellor told me this result everything frozen around me. Pin drop silence inside n out. Even the last sexual encounter I had was almost 8 months back n in that time I had given blood donation twice n still HIV negative , how come all of a sudden tested Positive. The faces of my kids, family came in front of me n that was it. I couldn't hear even my heart beating.
That was when I visited a friend in Chennai hospital and he asked me to rerun the tests to reconfirm. I was hesitant to get a confirmation as I felt my life was over. How would I reveal this to my wife n family. What will happen?
The test results came n all the results were negative for HIV I couldn't believe my eyes or was I hallucinating. Don't know if it was a miracle or a lie or false negative. I was advised to retest again after 4-6 weeks. Those 4-7 weeks were again he'll. I didn't mingle with anyone, didn't even allow my wife to be intimate with me. She was worried on what was happening to me or with me. Third time again after 6 weeks the test was done again all results were Negative for HIV.
This time the relief was so much I cannot explain in words. I went back to first lab which gave me a positive result n later found out that the test result got mixed up with another patient with same name age n initials. Though I felt happy for me n relieved now started thinking about the other Abhishek who had HIV now. I didn't know much about this guy my name double, the lab didn't disclose much information due to anonymity. Now my heart was sinking for this guy n almost the close encounter of me being branded as HIV positive individual.
that was the moment I started working at this HIV counselling centre I tried to help many people n knew more about it's impact on people's life.
Still I can't take out the gayness out of me, can't stop being attracted to male body or nudity or *** talk. That's when I started to make only friends n no *** still had rare encounters of getting touched in Public transport or being followed, or even the recent encounter with a driver I shared. But I don't want too go into that phase that changed my life. Always that deadly question haunts my mind " what if I had tested positive?"
This is the prime reason why I never exchange numbers, meet people in this forum, share my face pics. I may be called a coward, pathetic or guilty. I am not guilty I just don't want to risk the life of my loved ones and friends. I don't know how I will be judged through this post, but I think I have reduced my burden to great extent by freely sharing with every good soul n a friend in this group |
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