Dealing with a lonely life post 30-40
After coming out of the traumatic period of taking immense marriage pressure, those few who still survive, for them a whole life is ahead which is uncertain and probably lonely.
Their friends cousins are now settled in their Instagram perfect life and we are not sure what exactly to look forward for.
How are you selected few dealing with this?
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|Displaying 51 to 69 of 69 comments.|
|Previous comments: 1 2 |
|Posted On Jan 4, 2022 - 01:24 AM|
ya a small trip sounds grt... but its better to have some basic know how of other participants rather than total strangers going for an outing
|Posted On Jan 4, 2022 - 05:25 PM|
This is a very relevant post. I was in a relationship with a man for an year. The relationship was very abusive. I was called filthy names and humiliated on almost daily basis. I tolerated everything just because I thought it would be better to be with someone than being alone. But then one day I was dumped by my partner who wanted to marry a girl. Suddenly my whole world came crashing down. I went into depression and later got diabetes due to stress. But when I look back today, I think that first of all it's we ourselves who need to love us. If we will love ourselves, our lives might be lonely but atleast we won't get humiliated and we'll have the power to walk out of abusive relationships. Today I'm alone but at a much better place in terms of health and peace of mind as compared to the time when I was in a relationship but lived in fear of being abused or beaten up daily.
|Posted On Jan 4, 2022 - 06:37 PM|
@Chiknabadan I'm so sorry to hear that dear..But always better to be alone than in an abusive relationship
|Posted On Jan 25, 2022 - 06:34 PM|
I'm quite surprised to see this post. I'm 34 and married. I crave for such times where I can have solo fun with myself. When I'm alone I don't look around for *** buddies or anything. All I do is just relish my own time where I don't have to put up with anyone's expectations. I can read, watch movies, go to beach, explore places, go shopping, go temples, ***, laze around, browse grindr or do whatever I feel like. Business trips were so much fun where I can be myself for a few days. Unfortunately with Covid, it's not happening off late. I used to think those gays who are not married (whether or not out of closet) will have so much freedom to do whatever they want and can have so much fun. So in a way, I'm quite surprised by this post.
There are so many places to travel, so much to read/watch and so much to experience that one lifetime is not sufficient. As long as you are physically healthy and does not need full time care (which may be a long way for most) AND if you are financially well-off, I'm wondering what makes you feel lonely. Is it comparison with your straight friends or the society conditioning that marriage is a must to fit in?
|Posted On Jan 25, 2022 - 06:44 PM|
Perhaps such 'surprise' is not unexpected given that you are just 34 and married. You will not be able to understand what single gay guys goe through ' after' coming out.
Only when you look at it from various perspectives as to how lonely life can get and feel.
You should feel grateful for life you have.
'Grass is always greener on other side ' perhaps describes the situation better.
There are pros and cons to each of these situations though odds are heavily against single men and women ( whether heterosexual or homosexual ) but more so for single homosexuals especially in latter part of life.
|Posted On Jan 25, 2022 - 06:57 PM|
You are correct @DrGoogle.
|Posted On Jan 26, 2022 - 01:15 PM|
@DrGoogle - rightly said...
@hotbotpop - pls try to wear those guys hats and see ..until then u can't feel so of their mentality..
Single (after certain age) is always painful and you need to have courage to go through. Although you think there are lot of freedom in their life to do things, but still they might not be interested in all as lonliness leading their life.
|Posted On Jan 26, 2022 - 08:11 PM|
Ok I see the below problems for unmarried gay guys that makes them feel lonely past a certain age.
1. All their straight friends are married and they talk about family, children and stuff and you wouldn't fit in.
2. No company to share joys/sorrows and nothing much to look forward to.
3. Any questions of why you are not married makes you feel embarrassed.
We look around and that's what we see everywhere. Everyone is married, everyone have kids and everyone is posting pics on insta and we feel inferior may be. But 70% of it is because, we are conditioned to believe life is all about marriage, kids and family.
What's stopping you from having a close friend? Let's say a gay friend with whom you can share everything in life? I'm married but still have a very close unmarried gay friend, with whom I share every problems. Sometimes problems which I can't even discuss with my wife. I've never even had *** with him.
I'm living in the US and I see lot of people here (even straight ones) are not married or they are divorced. They live single lives past 40-50 years of age. They spend their times working out, running, dating, traveling with friends or like-minded people or just working. All these things even we can do provided we are financially well-off. What's stopping us?
So it's all about comparison and the deep ingrained thought that marriage is a must. Marriage is not a solution for your loneliness. After all, if you are married, there are N number of problems none of which you would face.
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 01:13 AM|
@hotbotpop, the first para lists the symptoms of loneliness. These thing accentuate it. But cause remains the same.
Does your gay friend share his problems, thoughts, feelings with you?
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 01:17 AM|
@hotbitpop, about your previous post? Doesn't everyone crave for what they don't have? You crave for freedom because you don't get it often. We crave for bond, because we don't get it. Will you give up your bond to be free forever?
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 04:54 AM|
Idk if I post my comment, will it feel like a silly one or not. But I genuinely don't see how this thread got extended so much. I think people do forget to do the simple things. As such if you're lonely, and if you're bored, then there's only one thing for you to do. "Get out and try to make yourself not lonely anymore". Geez. Go socialize. It's not like there's no 10,000 apps and other social media platforms where you can't connect with people worldwide. I'm working from home now-a-days, so it's easy for me to keep myself connected with people online using other platforms like Discord or Facebook, where I interact with people from different countries. It helps me because everyone's on different timezones, so at any point of the day someone or the other is always online to talk to. Besides didn't someone say "Idle mind is a devil's workshop ?". So don't keep yourself idle. Try to keep yourself involved with work and other stuff. You won't feel lonely at all.
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 05:31 AM|
Thanks for further contexualising your earlier post with newer post with your personal details.
To paraphrase your situation
You are an Indian guy in US who is married and is facing several problems that you can't discuss with your wife i.e. your life partner but with your close gay friend with whom you share platonic bond ( you have not had *** with him ...yet )
I totally empathise with your predicament which you allude to , with as many phrases " N number of problems , unable to speak to wife , marriage is not everything etc etc "
It seems you are struggling with your issues arising from heteosexual marriage and your sexual identity conflict. It is great that you have a nice gay friend that lends you a patient ear ; professional help from LGBTQIA friendly counselor may also help as they have expertise and show you coping strategies or make you aware of various options that you may be struggling to come to terms with.
Now , your comments need to be seen in light of your situation. Please note that it is common mental defence strategy to seek to enlarge your own issues by trying to minimise issues others may be facing.
Subtext of your post screams " You all have no idea what gay man trapped in heterosexual marriage faces. You all have no idea how lucky you are with freedom you are oblivious off "
I really feel for you. Please take care and seek help if your problems are overwhelming. But please do not try to undermine gravity of mental health issues faced by single / unpartnered LGBTQIA members.
Each os us have issues to deal with and there are strategies , methods for that.
Issues pertaining loneliness post 30-40 are real. Sometimes you can be lonely despite and inspite of marriage and you seek and find solace in platonic companionship / friendship . This is one of the way you are dealing with it.
May I also add India and US are thousand miles apart - physically as well as figuratively. Each society has own set of strengths and challenges. It is a grave error to directly extraploate situation US to Indian setting. LGBTQIA members in India face much more waried and deeper challenges. We can't and shouldn't compare American Apples with Indian Oranges.
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 02:25 PM|
@fifty - Yes, he does. It's mutual. I hope you do get your bond. Socializing as @kingofdesire56 is one way and probably the only way.
@DrGoogle - No, I'm not minimizing issues faced by single gay men. Some of them assume being married is a solution to all loneliness, so I just wanted to clarify that is not the case.
It's only a few years since I moved to the US and I've lived in India all my life, so I do have an idea of how things work there. There are certain differences and deeper challenges, I agree.
My problems are not overwhelming now because I did find coping strategies. It's so much better now. Similarly I thought of providing some coping strategies for unmarried lonely people from my perspective.
So what do you expect me to say after all - "Oh you feel lonely? I'm so sorry to hear that!". Is that it?
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 04:13 PM|
Thanks once again for your rejoinder.
I am glad that you admitt that there are 'certain' differences and 'deeper' challenges as far as LGBTQIA community issues in India vis a vis US are concerned .
Now let me share that the differences and challenges are really of extreme degree. LGBTQIA community enjoys several rights ( including legalised marriages / civil unions in several states there , rights to parenthood , rights to adoption ) that Indian LGBTQIA community can only dream of. Even societal acceptance is far better there. Here LGBTQIA has to celebrate ' decriminalisation' of *** *** as a major victory ! LGBTQIA community existence is rarely referred to let alone be acknowledged. Forget about dignified equal rights in all domains. When athlete Hima Das came out - nobody from mainstream ( politcians , celebs ) supported her. There was absolute silence about her coming out. US is developed country ; even prisoners in US get better amenities and food. In US nobody bothers what you do in private because ' privacy' is respected. In India family , peers , neighbours act as sadist -voyeurs. Societal pressure to marry and produce heir to family is stupendous. Please don't try to blindly prescribe American solutions to ' Indian ' setting. Indian gay men and women have families to look after. Family bonds , responsibilities , oblgations are enormous.
Even today women and their spouses continue to be murdered because they married partner of their choice that family did not approve. THIS is our INDIA.
If you really want to understand challenges faced by Single / divorced LGBTQIA members in India you need to experience our life. Before you 'preach' us that shoe is good enough , please wear this shoe and walk in it atleast a mile . You will know exactly where it pinches and how much. Perhaps you may consider coming out of your own marriage of convenience , move back to India , live with your Indian family - neighbours-community and then practise your 'coping strategies' and then share us their efficacy in Indian setting.
You ask what I expect you to say.
Well first and foremost ' Don't exclaim your 'surprise' ! Acknowledging that problem exists is a good first step. Empathising with those who are suffering is a good next step before you 'preach' them any solutions.
Please understand that to love and be loved is a basic human need. Loneliness arising out of not having anyone to share and experience love is a profoundly debilitating suffering. We ought not to belittle this huge and significant challenge that millions and millions of fellow LGBTQIA members face here in India and elsewhere . Since you are in US , I strongly urge you to look at US data and statistics about Depression and several other mental health challenges within LGBTQIA community there. I think after going through that data your own observations of How Single gay men and women are happy in US will appear deceptively untrue to you.
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 04:34 PM|
Correction - regarding post above I inadvertentently wrote ' Hima Das ' instead of Dutee chand.
I meant to say that when athlete ' Dutee Chand ' came out as Gay nobody supported her. Her mother , sisters , villagers disowned her.
|Posted On Jan 27, 2022 - 11:11 PM|
Hmm I'm married and closeted, so society does not look at me like an outcast. That's probably why I did not understand the challenges enough. Here in US, influential people extend support and even celebrate anyone coming out (like Apple CEO Tim Cook, Lady Gaga and many others). They also get equal opportunity, one of my own teammates is a trans woman, so yes there's a lot of difference in acceptance. Sorry for being indifferent. Hope things change in our country for the better.
|Posted On Jan 28, 2022 - 05:31 AM|
My apologies if I appeared fierce. I mean no malice for the pointed words I deploy except to make a point rather forcefully.
Thanks for enlivening this important topic.
We all look at things from our own prejudiced perspectives ; been there and done that, hence it is alright to err. India ( and other countries too ) will get better if each one of us broaden horizons of our compassion.
When people change societies do although it is generally a painfully slow process.
But atleast our posterity will enjoy their rights in better manner as we do compared to those who came before us , strived and made things little easy.
The reason why we are able to have these conversations today is that some brave people pushed the envelope further.
It is our great fortune and must say kudos to those who made 'Ohmojo' possible that a space has been created and is being maintained to enable such interactions and exchange of ideas.
So there goes one important solution to deal with loneliness and that is to reach out to likemended people , interact and have heart to heart conversations !
Wish you all the best in your life.
|Posted On Jan 28, 2022 - 06:19 AM|
Golden Rule : Grass is always greener on the other side. WHich side you choose doesnt matter.
All the discussion here is from a heteronormative perspective. We have to realise that gay relationships are different from straight relationships. One cannot use the template of straight marraiges to gay relationships. The dynamics are very different. The means for LGTQIA++ relationships and marraiges are still evolving. SO one cannot analyse queer relationships in the same light.
|Posted On Jan 28, 2022 - 06:46 AM|
Very well said and summarised.
Though it is true that Queer relationships have different dynamics and template of Heterosexual marriages ( I strongly dislike term 'Straight' ! Gays are what then ' Crooked' ? 🤨 .
Though on lighter note - some of us may be 😉 )
Such differences , I believe , are only outward and shaped by society.
Deep down it is same thing - Two ( or more ) individuals who long to belong , yearn to be yearned for and love to be loved. This is the crux of all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual.
They can be of many hues and flavors - Kinship , Friendship , Comradeship , Companionship and what not.
Everything shouldn't boil down to sexually motivated relationships though I don't underestimate the role of lust in fostering love. But after certain age-phase lust becomes less important.
And these other relationships make life far beautiful whether singled or partnered ( before and after 40s or ...whatever number one wants to put to one's stage of life )
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