Struggle in Life of a Closeted Married Gay
From my profile, you can very well understand that not only i am closeted gay, but also married to a woman. Here's a perspective that can help you to understand a perspective. Living as a closeted gay man in India is like being trapped in a golden cage. Everything's is perfect for people surrounding me, My wife is happy, i have a son who is happy, my parents are happy. But I am not. A cage is a cage even if it is golden. You just cant express yourself. I try to fulfill all my responsibilities and make everyone happy. In turn my family too makes an effort to see that i am happy and I pretend to be happy. But the guilt eats me. I am living a double life and i guess i have learned to conceal my true self well. The hardest part is not that i am living a life that requires me to fake, its the loneliness that eats me up. I crave a relationship where I can be myself, hold someone's hands without hesitation or go to a movie together and say "I love you" and mean it. Meet someone with whom sharing even a small message, as small as Hi or Good Morning on WhatsApp daily brightens up my day make me feel happy and loved. The community sometimes judges men like me harshly, viewing us as complicit in our own oppression, but the reality is far more complex. Sometimes the community thinks that we lack courage. However Coming out isn’t just about courage here; it’s about dismantling entire lives—wives who didn’t ask for this, children who deserve stability, parents who may never understand. They often overlook the fact that hiding our true feeling, loneliness in everyday life is more courageous than coming out. Sometimes i feel we should be awarded an Oscar for the act we put up. Sometimes i scroll through Romeo, Ohmojo or Grindr, hoping for that elusive connection which feels real. However I have learned that those places are good only when you are *** and looking to get physical (even the physical connection this days are limited to going down or ***). There is no emotional connect. Even while meeting, there is a constant fear of getting caught or being taken advantage of. Sometimes its thrilling but a constant fear of someone finding it out lingers around. Infact, keeping those apps in our phone scares us. A few times i have met other men like me in a similar condition: living the same double life. We tend to always have our guard on and have realized the fact that we will always be surviving in the shadow hoping for a love, relationship and opportunity of an acceptance from someone that might never knock our door. So yes, My life (as possibly men like me) is more like an act that i put up everyday. It is our acceptance of the fact that we might never find love or even experience it. Reply/Post a comment
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Hushbb | Posted On Jun 8, 2025
I get that you’re in pain. I don’t doubt that it’s lonely, pretending every day, living a life that doesn’t feel like yours but you’ve built that life and not just for yourself, but with other people. A wife. A child. That matters.
You talk about how hard it is for you to hide, how you crave a connection that feels real but what about the woman who thinks she married someone who chose her? What about the kid growing up in a household shaped by a performance? You’re not just stuck. You’re keeping others stuck with you, and calling it sacrifice.
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virarite | Posted On Jun 8, 2025
I agree many would feel and resonate with you and yes I have built that life and the people attached to me are my responsibility now.
This dual life helps me fulfill my responsibilities and I have learned to conceal very well. Off course it my get hard or frustrating sometime. But that's life. The kid, the wife and the parents responsibility is what keeps us going and keep our preferences or orientation behind closed doors. They did not decide my orientation or my preferences.
People like me takes such decisions due to various factors and situations which are difficult to explain.Yes my self and if I am correct people like me sometimes crave connections. I feel coming out and letting everyone know what we feel is just selfish on our parts.
So we continue to stay as we are.
This original post was kind of a let out. It was one of those days where in my emotions got the better of me. And I ended up expressing the same thing at 2 places. |
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vishal_kumar | Posted On Jun 9, 2025
@virarite - Beautifully candid post. Believe me, you are not alone. Most of the men I know, who are in same situation, feel that way. It is just that interaction between men, are often so sexualized that these topics donot get chance to come up, because they are not sexy enough topics (yet as real as earth).
One suggestion I can tell you, after struggling with my sexuality for decades, initially. As you rightly said, coming out is not always the answer. Coming should serve a purpose. It is a decision, why should be driven by context, circumstances and limitations specific to a person.
Everything has a cost (both coming out and not coming out, both).
It is about the cost you are ok living with.
Also coming out is not a binary situation (one or zero). What helps is finding 2-3 people (who might or might not be married). With whom at least for that limited time and space, you can be completely your. At least for that time you can let your guard done, without having to constantly spend your mental energy in censuring your words and your actions. You can for for a while put the mask down.
It is no magic bullet. It will not make everything right. But what it will give you is a safety valve to let the steam out, so that u don't burst or breakdown, in situations, where cost is beyond what you are ok paying.
Finding such few friends or spaces also takes time. Just because someone is good, doesn't mean you would gel together. But remember, you don't need all, you just need a few or maybe just one.
Rest regarding how you wish to live your life, you don't need to make a decision now. You will find your way eventually at the right time. Right for two people doesn't need to be the same thing or the same timeline. |
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kingofdesire56 | Posted On Jun 10, 2025
It's hard to find such connections on such places where you looked. Technically it would be rare for you to find such connections on an online platform. For this you need to build a relationship and for that you need to invest in some time. Which people these days have in short supply and whatever they have they are not willing to give. That's the sad part of life these days. |
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virarite | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
I know its hard to find connections on any dating platforms and time is in short supply. This is true especially for people like us who are closeted and married.
On platforms like this, Even devoting time trying to find love or someone who can understand that there is life outside *** will lead no where. Our Community further has all the filters to find a perfect guy. Sometimes i feel, the criteria's though different but more difficult and innumerable than a normal girl/female looking to marry. We look at status, profession, height, weight, preference, body type, does the partner goes down, will the partner allow to penetrate, how far is my partner from my place, can he manage place, will he be available on my whims and fancies, Will he take care of me both financially and physically and the list goes on. What people here fail to understand is after a point in life, lust will fail you miserably and it is love, friendship and companionship that would help you feel better.
After the above post, i literally got a message asking we can be in a relationship if you are bottom, ready to *** and get ***. Our first criteria is lust.
The idea of this post was to let out what i felt on a particular day. And off course, people like us have accepted the fact that we are better being closeted and look after our responsibilities.
However, like a human being that i am, I still hope that someone some day will have the courage to accept and look more than sharing a bed together. |
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agan-81 | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
Very well said. I am also in the same situation. |
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kingofdesire56 | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
@virarite
You know, I wanna say something and like put it in a nice way, but I genuinely don't like sugar coating things. Neither was I raised in a way to like beat around the bush. I'm very frank with things to a fault. So I'll say this and I hope you're not offended.
"God created man, gave him a *** and a brain. But only enough blood for one organ to function".
This is the cold hard truth. You'll not find people who are genuinely like interested in relationship and like companionship. It's impossible. I used to be like you when I came to this site and like was hopeful. But then over time, being on every where, like grindr among other places, I learned that men here, in India, in general(P.s not targeting anyone), think only with their ***. They don't actually have any brains whatsoever. People are just far too *** to think with their brain. Hell, you'll find legit, straight men, I mean full 100% heterosexual men, will say and agree to any damn thing there is that you say, just so that they can bend you over and do you. And when that post nut clarity hits they'll be like "Oh I'm straight. Being with a guy is so wrong. OMG. Haven't you been taught anything". Like that's how the scenario is. So don't keep your hopes up too much. You'll just end up for disappointment. Just consider it a friendly council, if I can say that.
Hope you have a nice day. |
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virarite | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
@kingofdesire56.
Thank you for the crisp message. I am already aware of the fact that we (especially more than 99% our community) think from *** and not brains. It seems that people here forget that they have a brain too. Hence i tend to keep my emotions to my self and not let them over rule me.
However, as they say, the world works on hope, so do i. but i also know that my hope is far fetched and probably an illusion.
but it feels good to know that many of us are aware of the facts. |
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kingofdesire56 | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
@virarite
I mean hey. What you say is true. The world does indeed works on hope. I hope daily that I'll become 100 times more rich than Elon and Ambani combined. I'll buy an island in the remote side of Swiss or Iceland and live a satisfactory, retired life with some of my good friends. You know keep hope alive. That's always there.
But coming back to reality, we are here. So we just try to make do with whatever is given to us. |
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virarite | Posted On Jun 16, 2025
yes. I agree.
we make the best of what we have and hope for better. |
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Bandrasc_hlong | Posted On Jun 17, 2025
It's the hope that kills |
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virarite | Posted On Jun 17, 2025
Yup. Hope kills, but gives you the strength to look for another day. |
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Vicky123 | Posted On Jul 3, 2025
@virarite the words & way u put it is so damn precise.. I felt I have drafted the post & reviewing it but couldn’t make a single improvement I mean our feelings are so mutual, situation are so similar, you just nailed it man! Bravo! I’m sure we shall have light at the end of the tunnel and so we shall keep the hope alive and keep moving… |
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Shawarma | Posted On Jul 3, 2025
I agree with above posts and at fhe same time I'd like to take a step back and ponder upon.
Friendship/companionship etc. don't happen by looking for it. I feel we have to nurture it, give time, trust the process and then over a period, we realise that we have become an inseparable companion. On a platform like this, where face is not visible, reactions are not visible, background is not known, etc. and the fact that this platform was built for lust only at first place, its very obvious to get sexual interview like questions. We may have to accost somebody and make an effort to be where we want to be.
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