Open relationship versus monogamous relationship
Apologies if this thread has already been discussed.
I have a personal issue with this topic and so wanted to see what views others have about it. Please dont be judgemental.
I am in a relationship with a perfect man since the last 24 years but we have a 15 year age difference. We were totally monogamous intially till i made a trip to the US in 2002 and we decided to end the relationship as I was planning to settle there. I saw a lot of guys while i was in the US and he too met a few guys though reluctantly. Once I returned for good in 2004 we decided to resume the relationship and were very close to each other. We started staying together since 2007. Our families have accepted us after the initial problems. After the US trip I was always on the look out for flings occasionally and only when he was away. Then he came to know about it and we fooled around with the idea of opening the relationship. I took it literally as a chance and started gradually seeing other guys even wehen he was around though discreetly. My rule was to have only casual vanilla fun and never indulge in anything risky like ***. That was reserved only for him. Then cam along Grindr and I was addicted to the app and the encounters became more frequent. But I never really thoroughly enjoyed with anyone except for my partner. I was not even sure why I was searching in that case. Then about 6 months back he came to know about my activities when a common contact showed him the app and my profile on it. We had a very calm mature conversation about it and he said that is official that it is now an open relationship and he also created his profile and starting chatting with other younger guys( as thats what his likes are). We love each other a lot and it has been made clear that nothing ever will come in between our relationship. But now the tables are turned and I am super possessive about him and what hes upto. We are in a very close bonded part of our relationship and kiss and cuddle more than we ever did before, genuinely and not out of an act. We have *** once or twice a week and it is mindblowing. My extra encounters are almost nil now as I am off grindr and PR . I only resort to Ohmojo chennai to see posts as I find the discussions here more meaningful than the ones on bangalore ohmojo.
So the advice I need is how to get comfortable with the idea of my adonis of a partner being with someone else. He is 60 but would give any youngster a run for his money with his body and masculinity. There is no doubt of his attraction for me though I am 45, as he is very emotionally involved me and so on that front I have no fear of losing him to someone else. I also take care of my self and so am still attractive for him. But I am jealous of the thought of someone else enjoying his body. I know for sure that I will meet other guys and so it is absolutely selfish of me.
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|Displaying 1 to 37 of 37 comments.|
|Posted On Apr 9, 2018 - 12:27 PM|
@tonedbloke - It's kind of baffling to me to read that a 24 year old relationship that too between much matured people (given the age of both of you) you still are exploring to accept the nature of relationship. I may sound rude, but in my view how come you guys in all these 24 years didn't discuss this with a matured perspective and still confused ? I really doubt how didn't you introspect your relationship all this while ? Or nature of your flings or their impact on your so called relationship. Relationship is a commitment and so the openness in that commitment is imperative. Not until a common contact brings up profile on a dating site, you bring up a matured conversation(as you term it so). You were cheating on him off and on with flings but you are jealous if someone enjoys his company. This very statement is very contradictory. I am far young but my suggestion is first see what does this relationship mean to you ? Cos the very core of your relationship nature itself is questionable. You are open to family but yet to stake any big step. Is this a relationship or an extended version of FWB episode running for year ?
When it comes to relationships it's definitely a personal call of the respective individuals, so you guys ought to be matured enough to handle your standpoints as both are much elder.
As your post carefully says don't be judgemental even before opening up the topic to discussion why didn't you exercise such sort of precaution on a 24 year relationship.
P.S : Sorry for being rude but I really don't see yours as any meaningful relationship from what you described.
|Posted On Apr 9, 2018 - 12:32 PM|
You can't be so selfish. Don't know how you called it a relationship when you wanted to stray. And what's bothering you and why can't you consider equality and let him have his share of fun too. Possessiveness is the start sign of a rot in the fruit. *** it out before it kills your relationship completely. Let him be free and don't try to chain him down. Just prove it to him you've stopped straying and let him come back to you on his own. I don't like giving advice, unless asked for. So please don't get offended for what I have told. And by your age I hope your mature enough to hear different perspectives rather than just wanting to hear things that approve you of what you already have in mind.
|Posted On Apr 9, 2018 - 03:15 PM|
I think each one of us is unique and the fact that you opened up on such a personal side of yours in this forum indicates you value our feedback. I have met at least 3 different older couples from EU who have been in a open relationship but they would meet the guy together and indulge in 3 some. In your case it looks like you meet people separately and that's causing all the confusion. Why don't you speak to him and try hooking up with guys together. That way you both know what's happening and may be it will ease the stress in the relationship. However hard you try but you can never compete with a younger guy or a girl that's true in the straight world too. Men by nature will be promiscuous. At 60 and 45 I have my doubt you will find someone who genuinely loves you most often you will get younger guys who are after your money and treat you as sugar daddies so the chances are you both are stuck to each other. Last but not the least if the relationship is bringing you unnecessary stress see a professional counsellor. Like Valentine mentioned it is best you both speak and sort. If you are jealous it means you care and if he is watching on you it means he cares too.
|Posted On Apr 9, 2018 - 07:07 PM|
@exotic - a very balanced viewpoint...brilliant!
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 04:34 AM|
Thank you for your advice and viewpoints. There are different levels at which one connects and maintains a relationship. *** is just one part of it. Our Bonding is at a different level, more emotional. I'm sure at some point I will come to terms with m.e acceptin g his meeting other guys. Different people are wired differently. It took him some time but he's now ok with the idea of me meeting other men. I know it is selfish of me to deny him . I'm not denying it. Just looking for a way to accept the situation. Other other flings for me hold no importance . It's just the thrill of exploring. The actual act us never satisfactory.
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 07:00 AM|
I'm sorry for the delayed reply. I had to carefully construct a sane and worded reply. I'm taking a take on this from two view points. 1. From my own personal experience and 2. from a psychological point of view - I have been a peer counselor for quite sometime now and I worked with NGOs .
I met some one 6 years back when I was fresh out of college and my first job who was about 10 years older than me.Lets call him 'V'. Everything went pretty well. It was more like love at first sight though we had spoken for a couple of months. The first three days of the weekend were just regular coffee music concert and art exhibition stuff. A week later V invited me to Mysore as he was renovating his property. Those days were the best and I literally was in tears when he put me in bus back to Bangalore. V some how saw me crying and then we started it off as a relationship the following week. We lived really far apart and would meet once a week though we used to speak for hours. V was out and I wasn't. Our friends said we were a perfect match made in heaven. Similar tastes in life and outlook. Things were really great until he came over to my place for his birthday. We realized that we weren't compatible in bed and had the mature talk of not having ***. But there was this emotional attachment which was so strong we still continued. The rest of the relationship was asexual though he wanted me to go into open relationship and explore life as I was still young. I was vehemently opposing that and I'm pretty sure he was dedicated and didn't fool around. *** is not everything in a relationship. Period. *** is essential but not a necessity. Somehow I kinda grew tired of it and ended up meeting people. All I could imagine was doing him and seeing him that it turned out to be a nightmare. With distance and depression things went down south and I ended breaking that relationship. This was my one and only proper relationship. Had I spoken to him, I guess I would have turned out to be with him. He has no contact with me in spite of me trying to get back to him on several occasions. It took a long time to overcome it and due to a few other bad experiences been single for a long time.
Anyways getting back to the topic, people are wired and tuned differently. It has been widely accepted that gay men are more promiscuous than their straight counterparts.I perfectly understand long distance would have been quite difficult. Most people talk about this and seek other arrangements to satisfy their carnal pleasure. *** can be addictive even if there is no emotional attachment. Blame those endorphins! Once you get used to it you can't stop. May be you could have sat through and talked if that's what you guys wanted rather than things happening behind your partner. Age matters a lot here. As you grow *** takes a back stage and its the emotional and intellectual bond which keeps people together. This sorta breeds possessiveness and it is difficult to digest when the tables have turned around. You are not able to let that go off and another major thing is that this is fed by your guilt tripping because deep down you feel you are solely responsible for it. Lets not dissect and do a Root cause analysis about the things so far. Lets see how to deal with this going forward. Talk with him and consider having a threesome with the same guy rather than meeting behind others back. It can spice up your *** life a lot. Many people here do that. Try meeting people for casual meet ups and not *** and find something you guys can do together like a hobby. Try spending constructive time around each other but make sure you give ample personal space. I would suggest you to go for couples therapy with a LGBT friendly shrink if things don't work out.
I'm totally not for open relationships though both have their pros and cons. I'm not here to preach you the sanctity of love or advise you or judge you.Go on a holiday and rejuvenate. Sometimes jus a heart to heart tete a tete can simply clear things up.
Cheers mate! I really appreciate your dedication to the relationship which has lasted so many years which by itself is a rarity.
P.S. I'm happy to help or listen to you anytime if you need help
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 07:30 AM|
@Neel - I do accept gay men are more promiscuous but not all. In most cases they are pushed to be so. One thing about the gay relationship is that it could be bonded only by love and no other factors. But where as in a marriage or for that sake in a straight life there is a beautiful factor called 'child'. Infact in many marriages it's the welfare of child the spouses try to prioritise and try to compromise. But in a gay life unless the gay couples choose to adopt or to bear children by surrogacy, there is no other bonding factor other than a mutual love.
I would not say a pure relationship doesn't need ***. *** is the one which completes the equation. Only *** is not a deal breaker but it's *** which could close a deal better. That's the reason most long distance relationships are lost quite literally in the distant future.
Coming to an open relationship, I think it should be viewed as 'openness' in the relationship than an open relationship. It's not that I sleep with X .. You sleep with Y.. Both can sleep with XYZ.. if you have a fling on a *** day be open about it to your partner rather than hiding it to him. A relationship is a commitment build on mutual trust. Try to build that trust and also gain that trust and in the long run you will see yourself committed.
To sum up a question open relationship or monogamous relationship, in my view I would say first respect the word "Relationship" and work on the factors which lead to one. In due course you will realise it. If it's a strong relationship with mutual feelings you don't have to worry about any X or Y or Z factors which could break your relationship.
That's was the reason I was rude on this person since nowhere from he had described atleast in my view I found anything as a relationship. With a 45 and 60 year old what I saw was an extended version of "Friends with Benefits" which had been running for years.
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 07:44 AM|
@valentine84 : Marriage is something which holds the relationship to a certain extent. Coming to the topic of having a child; your view point is totally a Eastern view. In the west people rarely care about the child when it comes to divorce be it straight or gay couples who have adapted/surrogacy and I'm not generalizing this or my point about gay men philandering. We view relationship as a close knit fabric but a lot of people fail to view it that way.
True *** is that function which completes the equation.
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 07:58 AM|
Great. I think the views are now getting more about helping the situation than dissecting my relationship. Lets not consider every relationship in the "conventional" way that we are used to seeing a relationship. Relationships can be at different levels. The two of us are so compatible in everything that we do. We complement and complete each other. With the relationship now being open, there is certain extra that has suddenly come up between the two us. We are now more closer and more affectionate and display our feelings more than what we used to earlier. Maybe subconsciuosly we want to be the best for each other now knowing that there is competition to contend with. The *** is also better. We now spend more time together. Earlier he used to go to the gym in the evening and i used to spend time alone or cruise. Now both of us workout together. spend our "gym off" days going to church and for dates. Weekends I return early from work instead of meeting other guys. He also understands that I am making a lot of progress in trying to be monogamous. Earlier he was not sure I could last being off grindr for even a day. Now it is over a month and I have not got tempted to even try. Feeling liberated because of that. But ...I do continue to have thoughts of meeting some guys. I imagine what he must be feeling what I feel now when he is with someone else. Sometimes I feel he is not really meeting anyone else but just pretending inorder to keep me guessing.
|Posted On Apr 10, 2018 - 01:55 PM|
This discussion is getting more interesting & profounder.
Human beings are not inherently monogamous, it’s only the social construct of family and the social values that forces one to be monogamous even in the hetro sexual relationships, where the do’s and dont’s are clearly demarcated to a good extent.
In an era where even the hetro marriages are fast breaking apart and the concepts of gay marriages and gay relationships just taking their baby steps, it is really appreciable that you both have managed to stay together for nearly 25 years together, though with some misgivings.
As Tonedbloke mentioned, relationships can be at different levels; I would say one need not adhere to any pre-fixed templates of relationships available elsewhere in the society, it is up to the concerned individuals in that relationship to frankly discuss and decide what the template of their relationship ought to be, and stick to it honestly, however “love” will remain the bedrock of that template. While deciding that template there is no such thing as right or wrong, moral or immoral, just what is appropriate for the concerned individuals in that relationship at a given point of time.
Relationships are not constant either; they are dynamic, as an individual’s personality gradually evolves over a period of time, the evolved personalities of both the guys have to compatible to one another for them to stay put together in the long run. Understanding and accepting this change requires a great deal of patience & insight. You both can openly discuss, decide & stick to what the new template ought to be in your present transformed scenario. As few members mentioned, you can as well go to a gay friendly relationship counselor, they will give you an objective assessment of the scenario and techniques/solutions to fix your problems.
I would like to add few more general points here; for a really fulfilling relationship there has to be mutual physical, emotional & intellectual compatibility, if there are some common life goals, it would be even more enduring. From an esoteric point of view it is believed, none of the core relationships in our life happen by accident (both friends as well as enemies) its all predestined; there are 12 soul types..only the persons of similar soul types can become soul mates, other soul types will be quite incompatible for him. I guess you both might be the ones of the same soul type, that’s why your relationship has endured this long, though with some ups and downs.
Coming to me, I have experimented much in this regard. I have already mentioned this in another thread. Initially during my college days for few years I was promiscuous, I thought by enjoying more I will get more satisfaction, later I realized that it was like trying to extinguish the flame by pouring petrol over it. Later, for five years I lead a completely celibate life like a sannyasin, though it enhanced my soul power, confidence level and perception, it was a forced celibacy, it came to a forceful halt. Now for the last 13 yrs I am in a monogamous relationship with my partner..I do not live with him, but only rarely meet and spend time together, now I neither indulge nor abstain, I am naturally quite content in this state..Even with him it has off late become more like a good platonic relationship. For me while I was in promiscuous relationships, there was an extreme lack of focus & purpose in life, while I led the life of a sannyasin, life became too serious to enjoy, when I took to the middle path I both have focus in life as well as enjoy it; this is my subjective opinion. It is for each person to experiment and find out for himself what is most suitable for him in life.
Each person has to just experiment and find out for himself what kind of relationship suits him the most for his life.
|Posted On Apr 11, 2018 - 04:07 AM|
I read all your comments, of course Neel Mahesh Valentine , you guys write very well. Ever considered an writing a blog or a newspaper/magazine column. Am sure it will be a great👍🏼
Over the years, the more people I meet ,the views or stories I hear and all that gets reported in the social media intrigued me about the stuff RELATIONSHIPS are made of. While the straight people have their own relationship challenges the Gay community has it tougher. As Valentine mentioned the society really does not support this infact this is a subject of ridicule and taboo. Things are changing for the better in the western world. India with all our Kamasutra and mythology supporting all se xual beings is becoming intolerant.
Anyway I like this quote by the famous Hollywood star Julia Roberts “ When people walk away from you let them go. Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you and it does not mean they are bad people. It only means their part in your story is over.” I am a great believer of destiny, of course you give a best shot at anything you do be it love relationship marriage job family kids but there are certain things beyond our control and understanding - things we cannot control. It’s best to accept it and move on with our lives. So many unwarranted cases of depression and suicides these days all because we just fail to accept and make peace with ourselves. Life is short and the more we look at things to be thankful for the better we make it.
|Posted On Apr 11, 2018 - 04:39 AM|
I read a lot of research stuff on things that bring people happiness and various research indicates the following things make people happy-
1) True meaningful relationship - need not have an entrouage of friends just a few meaningful ones are good enough infact social media and FB with 1000’s of so called friends have no meaning.
2) Attitude of Gratitude 🙏- there are so many things we have to be thankful for, we always benchmark with peers ,friends who have been luckier than us in our lives without realising that there are millions of others who would give anything to be in our shoes
3) Charity - This one came as a surprise to me, however the study says the more we give the more we receive. I have experienced this personally in the last few years I make it a point to buy food for the underprivileged or help someone with a medical care or sponsor meal at the orphanage but there is a change in my thinking I am not doing it for “them” am actually doing it for “myself”. A small way to say thanks.
4) Expectations - very hard to beat but yes the unnecessary pressure of expectations be it from people we love or situations we face brings us unhappiness. We have to try and stay detached and just give your best shot.
5) Travel and Nature - This is the best part, traveling the world and spending time with the nature is known to bring happiness and peace.
|Posted On Apr 11, 2018 - 07:57 AM|
You both are mature and loving towards each other to sustain this relationship so long.god bless you both
|Posted On Apr 11, 2018 - 08:20 AM|
I really enjoyed the level of thinking and ofcourse the way you guys write. I am very impressed. I guess even meeting a gay friendly shrink would not have given me such profound views. I have been in discussion almost everyday with my partner over the last few months. I realized communication was what was missing. We have been discussing this topic of an open relationship and what it would entail and how we have to deal with the issues that come up because of that. One thing clear from both of us is that we value and cherish our relationship and are absolutely in sync sexually. The comfort level we face when we are with each other cannot be ever matched when we are with someone else. Infact last night I asked him what if he finds a very attractive youngster who would outmatch me in sexual skills. The answer he gave me put my mind at ease. He said " the sexual intensity that I enjoy with you only comes from the fact that I have shared almost a lifetime with you. However good the other someone is, that level of feeling and intensity required for a fulfilling sexual act can never be given by the new person." For me also it is the same. A lot of sexual pleasure also comes from familiarity and comfort. That I get only when I am with my partner. We have also made it clear that neither of us indulge in intimate sexual acts like penetrative ***. That will be reserved only to be done between the two of us.
So the question is then why are we meeting other guys.
I have tried my best to remain monogamous and have had guilt ridden encounters with strangers. But I am just not able to control the urge when I see someone really good looking. There is a certain thrill in meeting new guys as the unexpected also adds that bit of a sexual thrill. I definitely will not be a *** just because I now have an open permission from my partner. I am also openly joking about his possible contacts so that at least I get used to the idea of him being with other guys. I am feeling a bit more prepared now, knowing for a fact that his best sexual experience would only come from me.
|Posted On Apr 11, 2018 - 09:44 PM|
@tonedbloke your love story is worth a movie! Very cute. You've put everything in such clear terms.
I have a partner too. He's super cute, understanding, we have great sexual chemistry. The thing I find lacking is an intellectual exchange. I crave to share my ideas and views on various subjects and know his inputs on them. I crave for a healthy mind stimulating discussion. Whenever I talk about something, he casually brushes it off and talks about mundane things. This is the reason why I constantly hunt, not for ***, but for intellectual companionship. And just as in your case, a common friend exposed my profile. He was sad bit came to terms with it. I tried talking about this with him but it always became something personal and a series of accusations followed. I don't know how to deal with it. This guy is very sweet. But I need food for my mind. It's starving!
|Posted On Apr 12, 2018 - 08:58 AM|
Introvert- there will always be something missing in your partner. They can never be completely what you want them to be. They should not be also. Even my partner does not have the same degrees as me and was not equal to me in terms of his profession. But he is great in other respects. He is a great cook, is quite simple in his outlook and his kind hearted. There are few shortcomings but we need to compromise on those points. I know for sure that I am not perfect. So why should I expect him to be perfect. Spend more time on things that you have a common interest in. Sports, fitness, music.. there are so many other avenues for sharing your interests. And for the intellectual stimulation, you should find other friends. Infact it is always good to have a common friend for a non sexual relationship. I have one with whom I discuss about my life and other various topics. It is also good to have someone to bitch about your boyfriend. Sometimes they might give you a different perspective on your relationship as they see it from a neutral perspective.
I found the chats here as a healthy way to discuss too.
|Posted On Apr 12, 2018 - 06:31 PM|
@exotic123...thanks for your encouraging words, even u write so well with a keen eye for details like a seasoned columnist. Me too, i liked the posts of both neelsachet & valentine, their writing style & the contents were quite amazing. Thanks to Tonedbloke for having confided in us. Apart from writing here, i also contribute articles for a holistic living magazine & a similar forum.
|Posted On Apr 12, 2018 - 06:53 PM|
Thanks Mahesh for your kind words
@introvert - A partner is always someone you see as your equal. If you have called out your partner as someone UNINTELLIGENT in a forum like this it’s quite unfortunate because you already see him as someone inferior to you. I actually think your partner deserves better treatment than this. Have you ever wondered that the topics you find intellectual could be boring for him and vice verse. Not all of us are attracted to the same issues. Nonetheless if you are with him only because he gives you good se x then you both are just pleasing yourselves temporarily. I do not think strong partnerships are built on great se x it’s only built on love, equality, support, respect and trust which sadly seems to be missing in yours.
|Posted On Apr 12, 2018 - 07:16 PM|
@tonedbloke Your analysis is wonderful and it hit the Bulls eye for me. I'm glad I've shared my shortcomings here. And I thank you for giving a detailed reply. I did learn something important from what you've said out of experience. My love and wishes to you and your partner.
@exotic1234 I've never used the term 'unintelligent' . I should have framed it better. But it was an impulsive post. I was searching for an answer and I thought this forum would help me find it. And it did. I, for a second, wouldn't dare to think inferiorly about my partner. He is a darling in everyway. And I respect him for what he is.
I'm happy to see a positive response from your side and I agree with you on the fact that one shouldnt judge someone based on their expectations. Thanks for your response.
|Posted On Apr 13, 2018 - 12:50 AM|
@mahesh thank you for appreciating my write ups
@ intro vert : No one is 100% perfect. I'm a sapiosexual and totally can feel you. Intellect stimulates me as much as *** does. Unfortunately there are not many guys who might be on par with you. Again sit down and talk. What might be your interests may not be his and vice versa! C'est la vie :) You can go ahead and join clubs or forums where people talk and discuss on books and stuff rather than meeting some one over apps to satisfy your intellectual hunger.
I would like to quote @exotic in verbatim "I do not think strong partnerships are built on great *** it’s only built on love, equality, support, respect and trust ".
It takes two to tango
|Posted On Apr 15, 2018 - 09:53 AM|
@Introvert --- I think, an ideal relationship is not the one where two partners having similar tastes & preferences have a good bonding; it is the one where despite their completely different tastes & preferences they have an awesome matured bonding. It requires tremendous love & patience to get to the latter stage; its difficult but not impossible.
Our very core nature is to always live in the past or future. We never celebrate the present moment or people who are in our lives presently..we are constantly nostalgic about the past moments & people from our past or keep planning for the future or keep on endlessly searching for that one ideal relationship in the future. The moment when that search stops, we find that whatever we had been searching all along had always been so near to us, its just that in our perpetual quest we have failed to recognize that.
|Posted On Apr 15, 2018 - 03:47 PM|
@mahesh - the thing you mention about living in the past and future is so true. While living in the present moment is all that’s needed to make life simple and stress free but it does look like a difficult task to accomplish. I read a lot especially non-fiction and there are a lot recommendations mindfulness meditation but so tough to practice. Have you had any pick in breaking this habit of toggling between past and the future.
|Posted On Apr 15, 2018 - 06:32 PM|
@Exotic --- with sufficient practice nothing is insurmountable...in the yogic lore there is a belief that anything (breathing / awareness techniques or a new habit etc.) that u practice for 7 years consistently will become a deeply ingrained part of you; it becomes your second nature. The 10,000 hour rule mentioned by Malcolm Gladwell in his celebrated book "outliers" proves the same through empirical research . I ve been practising, reading & researching on these techniques & the related concepts for many yrs..i ve got good results from them. It keeps us most of the time very calm & composed, helps us to mostly live in the present moment irrespective of the disturbing circumstances around..if u r quite interested just message me i ll give you further details & contacts..
|Posted On Apr 16, 2018 - 09:12 AM|
I have been able to deal with the past and it does'nt really affect me. But it is the future that is a bit frightening now. We are in a state of absolute union and madly in love. He has gone to Goa for some function and now I am having thoughts of how difficult life will be if he is not around in the future. I am 45 and he is 60. I know there are certain things which are inevitable. I am scared that I have invested so much in this relationship that I would not be able to deal with being alone. We live in this big house in bangalore with his older sister living with us and a servant. My mum and siblings are in mumbai. It is scary to even stay alone for either of us.
|Posted On Mar 30, 2022 - 10:55 PM|
The answer like within our evolutionary track and social construct. By evolutionary rule, irrespective of their sexuality, women will always follow "Selection of the best" and men will follow "survival of the fittest". Given that reproductive cycles, women have only 1 egg... each month, so they for selecting the best partner who will take care of mother and the off spring. Men on other hand have millions of sperm, so they spread the spawn hoping to see which one survive. There is joke that lesbians on their 3rd date will bring a moving truck because they are already in commitment by 3rd date and are moving together; gays on the other hand will bring a new partner on the 3rd date for a 3sum.
I detest the claim that gays are promiscuous. Gays are not any different from their heterosexual brethren. Present an opportunity to a straight man to cheat without judgement or consequence and see how fast they flip. So we need to stop portraying that promiscuity is somehow a gay domain.
There is difference between commitment and habit. The question one needs to ask themselves is - am I with someone because of the commitment, compulsion, habit or a choice?. There was survey done in Gujarat and women were asked -what will they do if they found out that their husband was cheating on them with another man? Overwhelming number of women responded that they will stay in the marriage because they very well know that the husband will not leave for another man. Their marriage was neither commitment, compulsion or habit, but was a choice. They choose to be a beard for a gay husband in return of social security.
@tonedbloke- when you were playing around without fear of consequences, you were ok with open relationship. But now the partner has opened the relationship too and playing with younger boys... is it really the possessiveness or the insecurity that is getting you worried? Your words- "I have invested so much in this relationship and I would not be able to deal with being alone" underlines the insecurity. To me it seems you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. No judgement.
In post on 11th April, you talk about posing a question to your partner, "what if he finds a very attractive youngster who would outmatch me in sexual skills", well to me this is closed structured question and 100% expect a feel good answer from your partner. The question is what happens when he finds someone younger not only physically and sexually attractive, but also compatible emotionally and intellectually? Would familiarity override novelty? I'm not discounting the relationship and life you have built together for decades. Would he then want to be with you because of Commitment, compulsion, habit or choice?
|Posted On Feb 1, 2023 - 01:42 PM|
This thread is pretty insightful. That being said, it's scary to think about multiple partners. I guess one soulmate can sustain us for lifetime. :-)
|Posted On Feb 2, 2023 - 09:15 AM|
Very interesting thread....
One soul mate is enough for life time ?? But if the soulmate keep cheating us then ??
Here is my love life story...
9.5 years bfr i meet a guy in a party thru a common friend of us both...very good looking person nd well educated.
We exchange numbers nd meet one fine day nd had fun, he was d 1st person who fu***d me , i start liking him nd he proposed me for a relationship, we both move in relationship, he was like my life , things was going good , lot of storms came in life..he cheated me many times for *** with others but then also i was not having courage to leave him nd just ignoring things for d relationship, he want me to be in a cage but he can fly like a free bird which can sit on any one balcony, usually in relationship a top do lot for happiness of bottom but in our relationship always i was thinking what make him happy nd i was doing that things... On valentine's day i decorated my home with candles nd path of flowers for him nd more, i guess if i start telling that all then it's take 10pages, 8.5 years gone with happiness, pain but lustness of him nd loyalty of me didn't ended,1year bfr i seen his what's app chat with his friend ,my bf telling him that he is more comfortable with a guy whom he meets may be 10 times for *** then me , land shaked down from my legs , i was like in a big shock, i asked him nd he told ignore it, after that more strange things happened, he keeping me wait for 2 hrs to Talk over phn nd keep talking with a person whom he had sexual relationship 7 years bfr , he replying in midnight to other bottom msgs on whats app when we was together, finally i understand he wants me to end everything btwn us bit he don't want to tell that as i blame him for break up, lot of sleep less nights nd tears in eyes for me after all these things nd finally one day i declared him that things ending between us in what's app nd he happily said ok... It was like shock for me , that night I thought end my life also but god have other plans, 2nd day of breakup i saw him online on some dating app nd with a fake id i messaged him , he instantly shared his lot of nudes ,face pic nd even nd telling i will come if you have place right now , he don't have a pain or feeling of ending 8.5 years relationship... He need to pay me some money which i helped him when he needed, i asked that , he paid nd after that he called me and used a great line for me "U WILL BE IN THIS LINE ONLY" it was more shock for me ...which line am i? I didn't asked him any thing or didn't told any word also to him for that ... I didn't understand till today why he played with my life ?? May be o forget him after some time but d pain which he given to me that never be go from my soul nd for loving a person truly i paid my happiness, smile nd peace of mind nd more as reward ....i trust always in God .. after this all happened also i never stop trusting God bcoz i know one day my tears also dry.... At last i tell one thing... Don't play with any one feelings.... Don't do promises which you can't keep.... Don't cheat in relationship, don't compare ur patner love nd caring with a road side bitch....i am happy or sad but life going on... Nd it must go... May be one day again i rebuilt my soul ,may be again i smile one day....
|Posted On Feb 2, 2023 - 01:30 PM|
@Princy it's so heartbreaking to hear your experience, this a the reality that most of the community live in , they can't come out of the relationships and suffer.
In your profile it says karma believer , I hope he gets what he deserves.
Wish you good luck on your soul rebuilding journey
|Posted On Feb 2, 2023 - 04:07 PM|
I feel Soul has no pain it is attribute less like this body the pain is for manas/manasu or emotional heart soul doesn’t know to differentiate between good and bad I guess manasu alone uses strategy logics anyway there is nothing to feel bad or sad as long as one is healthy and has capability to fill his belly. Nothing else is absolute a couple may be so bonded but if one dies what would the next one do he or she will live the remaining life in grief like wise our mom dad or sometime our siblings departs what would v do we still live until our turn comes so keep moving we are very much alike animals the rib cage organ shape and size the way of reproduction and milking the baby but due to formation of culture and some sort of artificial rules and laws we have severely failed to experience life we invented apparels and we long to c the body without apparel. We praise humans as supreme to other creatures but we fail to understand that we can’t climb a wall like a lizard secrete poison like a snake or fly like a bird each creature is unique and supreme we have to learn a lot from them. So I advice you to c urself inward than to c for external gratification of course v have morphology biology so the needs r there treat it just like hunger and thirst once it goes move to the next work. Wish u a speedy recovery bro I may b wrong in many ways but I wish to help u recover soon 😘😘
|Posted On Feb 4, 2023 - 06:18 PM|
Hi Princy, i was the Top in our relationship that lasted for just merely 2 years. And yes i still miss him even today after nearly 15 years. No matter what he did to me and my trust for 2 whole years, I STILL miss him at times. It's not easy to forget someone you loved with full heart and soul. But guess what, over the period things would get better. But yeah, that empty space is something that cannot be filled by anyone. It's the hard fact and that's something no one can change.
|Posted On Feb 11, 2023 - 07:36 PM|
Hlo topgen, it's very sad to hear about your past, it's been very long forget that ungrateful person nd move on, don't keep empty space in life, fill it with memories...
After 8.5 years relationship break up also i don't have a empty space in my life bcoz i filled it with good memories of past nd even many times i told to my x when we was together "I don't need you to be with you or i don't need you to love you " the relationship which i lived was good enough to fill d empty space ,he wanted me to move out from his life i did it.. i have just pain that why he creates such unnecessary things..he can tell me openly that u move from my life i was moving with a smile bcoz he happiness only keep a worth for me always, nd the line he told after breakup it broken me from inside "U WILL BE IN THIS LINE ONLY " it was not a word or comment it was like a curse .... That taken lot from me ....i never been sad or feel pain for break up bcoz i was knowing this will happen one day... But the situations he created was horrible nd painful for me ...the way things ended was painful ...
|Posted On Feb 11, 2023 - 07:47 PM|
When we was together like husband and wife nd i was doing his work like "KARYESHU DASI" he don't know in which line am i.
When he falling in any problem and i was giving him suggestions nd even telling him to do some rituals nd shown him a way of earning money like "KARANESHU MANTRI"he don't know in which line am i.
When i was feeding him like kid nd even one time after my 9 days navratri fasting he came to meet me on 10th day night... suddenly his health got distrubed nd he get fever nd one side heavy rain, he wants to eat some rice and rasam, no Zomato no swigy nd in that heavy rain i wet and went 1km by walk to bring food for him nd feeded him like "BHOJESHU MATA" he don't remember in which line am i.
One afternoon he came to my offc nd told me i need *** right now nd ond spot i closed my offc nd satisfi his need there only like "SHAYANESU RAMBA" he don't remember in which line am i.
When he did *** with my best friend when we are in relationship nd i forgiven him like "KSHMAYESHU DHARITI" he don't know which line am i.
Every year on karwachaut night i getting ready like a married woman nd doing fasting nd Pooja for fis long like like "ROOPESHU LAKSHMI " he don't remember in which line am i.
It was not just a relationship we did marriage infront of that adhishakti in temple nd he given me a word i never leave you but that time also be don't remember in which line am i.....
That one line was attack on my soul ...which drained my peace of mind , happiness nd more .....
|Posted On Feb 12, 2023 - 04:26 PM|
I don't know if my words are relevant here...
I should say I was scared, taken aback, confused and what not.
I have no experience being in any sort of relationship. But now being 34, I want to settle down with someone and lead a monogamous healthy relationship.
This thread amused me in the first go, later when I read the stories of others, when they broke up, when they got cheated upon, and when they were left alone again, I get scared...
Am not so actively dating anybody, no ody ever so far have given me confidence in getting into a relationship, and this thread is proving that relationship is just another pain in the ***...
The after effects are so bone freezing...
I understand there are always exceptions in every scenario.
Have seen many gay couple, LGBTQ couple being in a successful relationship since many years...
But u never know what's in the bag for u right.. I don't gamble by destiny... So please guide me now.... What do I do now??
|Posted On Mar 16, 2023 - 07:01 AM|
Don't ever do a mistake of being in relationship....it's always depends on luck...if you get a loyal patner it will be heaven nd if you didnt get a loyal patner nd relationship ended then ur life will be hell with past memories....
A bottom life is like walking on fire that too with barefoot...
Just enjoy ur life.... Don't think about relationship with a men ...
|Posted On Mar 18, 2023 - 12:51 AM|
Okay a lot to unload on this last comment, are we saying we as bottoms should consider ourselves inferior within this minority??
Because I am a bottom and have never thought of it as walking on fire because I have always had a great amount of self esteem (so I think this is a separate issue that is important as relationships form, you cannot walk into one thinking you are inferior or superior to your partner as it is basically toxic and will fall apart one day hurting one or both partners involved)
All that being said open relationships are not easy and are definitely not for couples that hides things (if you get caught cheating and then go open the original trust has already gotten affected!). Also you discuss and set rules about various things (example. No sleepovers, no unsafe *** with others, never any fun in our shared apartment etc.)
And instead of blaming tops in a failed relationship we should always blame the people involved itself irrespective of their position.
|Posted On Mar 18, 2023 - 05:24 AM|
I get that you were hurt in the past, I am sorry about that traumatic experience but again being a top or a bottom does not change the amount of pain one might feel after a breakup.
Breakup from a long relationship is painful for anyone who was truly involved.
The core issue here could be self esteem, and as they say if you can’t love yourself why would you expect tops to love you?
|Posted On Mar 18, 2023 - 05:44 AM|
Very weird question that I've asked everyone all the time. Is it possible to get a monogamous relationship if you're gay. In India especially. I mean I never talk about outside India, but in India it's genuinely not possible. Even open relationship is not really possible. I mean guys here just want to get off. In my 35 years I've never found a single person to actually be okay with comittments. Every single person who claims to be truly "Bisexual" is a freaking liar it seems. They all be like ""Oh I'm super open. I'm a true bisexual and whatnot", but it always all the time feels like a scam. I'm not at all open to the concept of open relationship because I'm not into that I guess. I'm looking for a monogamous relationship but it seems I'm not at able to find one.