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Coming out

Submitted by Shiningarmour Location: All India (All India, India)

First of all , thanks to all the contributors here for making this forum not just about the sexual aspect of homosexuality. One thing I have noticed to be missing is that there isn't a discussion on coming out.

Coming out to my parents has been an idea I have been toying around with for sometime now but I also know that this would not welcome in my family. It would be really helpful if people can share their experiences or even any advice

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Displaying 1 to 36 of 36 comments.

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Posted On Aug 18, 2018 - 10:53 AM

Why would you wanna tell your parents you secretly love *** ***? Lmao

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Posted On Aug 18, 2018 - 06:20 PM

Same I to think, not necessary to come out

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Posted On Aug 18, 2018 - 09:18 PM

Hello...hope you are you doing well...my suggestion would be to settle yourself with a job first. If you're are well settled, then you may think of coming out...think and act.

Hugs Albert.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 12:52 AM

There are some LGBT NGOs who help in this regard. They will explain how to go about it. They also get you in touch with a psychiatrist who can explain things to your folks.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 05:45 AM

I agree, one having such feelings, must come out. Probably in our culture, it's bit difficult but one really want to enjoy their life, must have face the facts

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 06:50 AM

Please think deeply and weight the pots and cons before you tell your family.

My cousin informed our supposedly open-minded khandaan about his orientation and there was an eruption of disgust, nasty fun making, and shock from his parents, uncle's and cousins.

He's gone into his shell and is not welcome at any family functions.

Unless you know for sure your family is going to react positively, please think carefully before u take this huge step

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 06:50 AM

Sorry I meant pros and cons

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 09:17 AM

Do not do that!
Strong advice.
Even own family won't accept you.
You will be branded as a degenerate.

Ones who don't have the orientation will never be able to understand.
If you are lucky, they will think you have some mental disorder, try to force correct you. If you are unlucky, worse may happen.

Besides, what's the point?
If you feel lonely, you can always come here.
Certain things should be kept buried inside closet

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 10:54 AM

Someone may not want to lead a dual life.That's one reason to come out.
There are many who are out and have been accepted by their family and friends, co-workers.
It is better to attain financial independence and gather enough mental strength before coming out.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 11:10 AM

The question should not be IF you should come out to your parents, it should be HOW you should come out to your parents. All these degenerate guys saying you should not come out because your family won't accept you and *** is nonsense. These are the following things you should keep in mind before planning to come out to your parents, family or friends:

1. You yourself should be able to understand and judge how progressive your parents are.
2. Have they spoken about homosexuality in any context? Be it something seen on TV or news. What was their reaction?
3. How strict and rational they are when it comes to you, their son. Are they the kinds to take your side no matter what? Or are they more concerned about society and 'log kya kahenge'?
4. Are they malleable and open to being subconsciously conditioned to be educated about homosexuality? There's a difference between ACKNOWLEDGING their song as gay, and ACCEPTING their son as gay. Former comes first, the latter comes later.
5. What is their age? Are they in a physically good condition to handle such kind of life-changing truth?
6. What is your age? If you are not of marriageable age yet, it would be good to come out now, and give them time to get used to it. It will get messier once they are looking for girls and you proclaim you're gay. You're gonna *** everyone's happiness in that case just to be happy by yourself.
7. How much involved are your parents with your extended family? Is your coming out going to bring additional family members into discussion?
8. Are they the type who might kick you out of the house out of shame? In that case, what is your independent financial standing?

These are some of the things you should do a self-evaluation about before you come out. Bloody don't listen to other guys who have had bad experience, nor to those who have had it easy coming out. Everyone's situation and parents are different. The fact that anyone should give advice against coming out just because they had a bad time proves that they are a part of a backward setting and had an unfortunate time. You should go do what your gut feels like, but weighing all your options.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 11:25 AM

my advice would be not to come out. Our society is not yet that progressive. 99.9% the chances are that it would go against you. You will have to suffer the hardships, the struggle. Trust me the *** you may have after this would not be worth it. Instead i would suggest you to embrace this dual life. Its so thrilling, so exciting. Be adventurous, *** some ***, hook up with dudes, get ***, try gang bangs all with the comfort of knowing that no body knows your little secret.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 11:37 AM

Considering Cutewhitey's enlightening comment about "dual life", let me share with you the experience as a guy who is out to his parents: The relief that you get after coming out is unparalleled. Sure, your non-progressive parents are going to take time to accept such a huge thing, but as long as you are doing well in your career and life, they will be happy for you over time. After that you don't need to have this fear about 'what if someone tells my parents" or "what if they find out about me from someone else" (and finding out from someone else is way more disappointing, mind you!)

You need to explain what being means, and what it will mean to you. They might have notions that being gay means you are a woman, or wanna dress up as a woman, or stuff like that... As long as it's not true in your case, you should be able to convince them slowly and steadily. If you are a jobless, pansy man, who can't even fend for himself, but does only avargardi sitting at home, then of course don't expect your parents to be progressive about your life choice if they are already regressive. This kind of coming out news requires a strong barter of convincing support about you being an independent and strong man. Please ignore cutewhitey's ignorant rambling. ("99.9% society is not yet progressive" i believe! where does he even get such kind of stats? No wonder your parents don't want you to be more queer than you already are! Stay in your closet and be straight)

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 11:44 AM

Coming out to your parents is one thing
Coming out to your siblings is other
Coming out to your extended family, like Jeeju, Bhabhi, cousin is another
coming out to your close friend(s) is another

Being OUT and OPEN is completely different.

So choose wisely.
It is not like if they understand it or not
It is also not like what they will say
It is like, how much it is needed to you and how much it will affect your relation with them.

And believe me, we all know which relation is real and which is just for namesake.

So don't come out to the people for whom it does not matter or the relation with whom is not important to you or them either.

Come out to the close ones. And step by step.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 01:21 PM

For some, or maybe many, being gay means suckung a xock and getting ***.
There are guys, for whom, being gay is not just about ***. It is also loving another man and having a man as a life partner.
I don't care about the former category and their opinion.
Crazy cruiser, i know, you don't like being complimented on your comments , but must say Your words are worth more than gold.

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Posted On Aug 19, 2018 - 03:28 PM

First become a celebrity n then disclose ur orientation.. ordinary person is never accepted in our society.. its too taboo in India.. unless u have lots of money and u are a celeb.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 01:32 AM

There are many ordinary (as in non-celebrity) guys who are out - to their family, friends, some at office too. Some big companies, some educational institutes have queer support groups. The LGBT NGO in mumbai conducts meets for parents of LGBT folks.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 01:48 AM

It is our own privacy. Why should we need to come out to all those individuals, whose life is not impacted by our orientation. Since the society has not fully accepted homosexuals i do not think we need to be open. Often, we must be open to those who are affected by our orientation and give them a liberty to choose.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 03:17 AM

More and more people coming out will move the society to accept homosexuals. Society is made of our family, relatives, co-workers and neighbors.
Again, this will matter only to those for whom being gay is not just having *** with another man. There are many guys who are looking to spend their lives with another guy under one roof. And there are a few, who have achieved that.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 07:15 AM

I had to come out to my family but not intentionally. I had reached a "marriageable age" and being very eligible there were already proposals coming in. I stood my ground and refused to get married as I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 10 years then. So my sister who was having the discussion with me asked me if it was because of my friend that I was not getting married. I said yes. They were obviously very angry and tried their level best to convince me to change from my "evil ways". I stayed adamant. I was already independent by then and so I could manage not that they would have disowned me.
Gradually they came to terms with me and my relationship and now are comfortable with my boyfriend. They visit us now and then. He is also welcome to their homes. My mother took a long time to accept my boyfriend again as she felt cheated as she used to care for him a lot earlier. But now she is also comfortable. Life is so much better that I now don't have to hide my sexuality. 'But I dont broadcast myself as "being gay". I dont hide the fact also. I live my life the way I want to. I feel my colleagues and friends may or may not know about my sexuality, knowing that I live with another man. but I dont care.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 07:56 AM

Its not right time or right place to come out. Leading dual life is such a pain and a burden on one's self. This conditioning has so much altered my personality. I came out to my parents. They treat me like am diseased.. plagued and they pray for cure ! They expect me to still get married which is very bad. What if they had a daughter would they welcome a gay son in law? So unfair. I understand where they are coming from and their concerns. But unfortunately its very tough to explain this thing to them..!

Being closeted for 30 years.. it has exhausted me mentally and am clinically depressed. Sometimes even though life might take a very different turn, it is better to come out to avoid such healthy issues.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 08:10 AM

I'm amazed at the views of some of the guys posting here. For them being gay is just about *** *** or having *** with men. Is there all there is to it?

It is very sad that many guys feel coming out does not serve any purpose. Obviously they do not have any conscience and so they do not mind leading a dual life. I'm guessing these are the guys who get married and continue to cheat on their spouses with other men and feel it is totally ok.

For the rest of us, being gay is about more than ***. It is about attraction and love. The society does not accept gay relationships because they do not see how normal it can be. The image they have of gay guys in their minds is that of shady and sleazy men having sleazy sexual encounters with other men. How would they have any other picture in their mind when they do not see gay men in regular social settings at all?

If people see more and more gay people they will see there is nothing abnormal about them. They will realize that gay men are just like regular people. They will see that gay men can have the same romantic feelings like straight men. They also might want to fall in love just like straight people. They can have the same kind of aspiration to be in a relationship like straight people. They also may want to get married just like straight people.

So how will they see all of this if all gay men stay firmly closeted and do not come out? That is why coming out is a very important thing to do. It is not an event or a rite of passage. It is a declaration that we want to lead a normal life and we are not ashamed of our attractions. It is a way to tell the world that being gay is not wrong and that we will not lead a life where we have to keep secrets, lead a dual life and be on the lookout to avoid being caught!

Coming out need not be a loud speech made out to the world. It can mean as simple as not hiding your sexuality under a hundred layers of secrecy. It can be as simple as telling your parents or your siblings that you have a crush on another man.

You need not come out to uncle Ravinder who thinks women's rightful place is in the kitchen. But you also need not keep silent when uncle Ravinder's son comes out as gay and is put through hell for it! You need not declare your sexuality at your work place. But you also need not hide your excitement if a hot crush of yours starts flirting with you.

The gay marriage debate was fierce in the US till 2015. Society was divided and it seemed like there was more opposition to it than was possible. Many states had explicitly banned gay marriages. However the US Supreme court passed a verdict that made gay marriages legal. It has been only 3 years now but in just that short span of time it seems unthinkable that there ever was an opposition to this. Today gay relationships and marriages have become such a norm that it is not even seen as anything out of the ordinary there. There are no debates. Anyone discriminating or being homophobic is considered and outright bigot. Sure there are a few people who still have not made peace with this fact but more than 90% people now feel that it was the right thing to happen. That figure was much lower before the Supreme Court judgement!

All this became possible because of all the gay men and women who decided they did not want to lead a closeted life and came out as gay. It makes a world of difference.

So I will say that coming out is something all gay men should do!

That being said, I will also add that coming is a very personal decision. In the recent movie Love, Simon, the protagonist is outed by a straight guy. Simon feels frustrated and rebukes the guy by saying "I'm supposed to be the one to decide when and where and who knows and you took that from me".

Everyone should have the right to decide when and how they want to come out. I have seen some out-and-proud gay men talk about closeted people with derision. What they forget is that everyone's life is not the same. Some men may face more difficulties than others. Some men may have stronger resolves than others. Some men may be able to deal with the consequences better. Everyone's life and circumstances are unique and so we should allow everyone to decide whether, when and how they would like to come out.

The ideal goal will be to reach a day where coming out is not at all needed. Being gay becomes such a regular thing that there is absolutely no need to declare one's sexual orientation. But until that day, coming out is the thing that will pave the path towards that future.

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 08:33 AM

Well said BigBoyMayan, tonedbloke and CrazyCruiser. You guys have provided progressive comments but at the same time pointing out the pros and cons in it.

" If you are a jobless, pansy man, who can't even fend for himself, but does only avargardi sitting at home, then of course don't expect your parents to be progressive about your life choice if they are already regressive." - Completely agree!

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Posted On Aug 20, 2018 - 01:23 PM

The most important part is admitting to your own self.. Are you gay? are you bi? are u just curious?... These are important questions that u must first answer and let no one misguide u into thinking u r someone you are not. na parents na friends. . maketh sense? :P ..

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Posted On Aug 22, 2018 - 05:21 PM

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and insights and helping me clear the clutter in my head!

I am however a bit surprised as no one has shared a personal experience...

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Posted On Aug 24, 2018 - 11:00 AM

I feel being gay is still a taboo in India. so better to be quite and enjoy life secretly. don't hurt parents as they won't understand. It may take generation to change mindset. May be once we are in their age may see different India.

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Posted On Aug 28, 2018 - 04:24 PM

Come out to parents in India means you will isolate yourself from family, relatives and friends. In India it is still consider as SIN.

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Posted On Oct 2, 2018 - 06:27 AM

Because your living a lie that kills your self esteem, things only got better for us in the US by coming out, grow some balls men.

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Posted On Oct 3, 2018 - 05:46 AM

There s nothing called coming out, just be yourself and live a life you are comfortable living, everyone in my close circle knows Abt me, I dnt go beating drum saying am gay but if someone asks me I dnt hide. Unless you are bisexual it's better not to hide your real self, life is short why live a lie.
Am single, when ppl ask me y m i not married I tell them I am not interested in girls, most of them aren't as close minded as we expect, to most it doesn't even matter these days.

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Posted On Oct 4, 2018 - 04:20 PM

I had a friend who came out to his parents. From that point, he was sort of isolated from his family. His mom just stopped talking, dad was confused etc. He left to Scotland for studies and just settled there. He doesn't attend any family functions because all relatives keep asking why is he not married and all that. BUT slowly his parents seem to come to terms with their gay son, very slowly though. Now they are sort of ok and they talk and all that.

So it is definitely tough to come out. My advise is postpone coming out until there are serious marriage talks. And I guess NOT coming out and marrying a straight girl would be stressful for your entire life. Your life will move just like that and by then you would have lived a life full of stress, lies and guilt. If you can avoid marriage without coming out or marry a compatible girl who is not interested in ***, that is a great option.

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Posted On Oct 4, 2018 - 06:36 PM

If you dont give a damn about your parents/friends/relatives/wife/kids.. and if you are ready to lose them permanently in your life.. then feel free to come out and tell the world that you are gay.

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Posted On Oct 5, 2018 - 08:11 AM

I didn't come out to my parents. I was keep postponing my marriage. Every relatives whom I meet ask about my marriage. I just say after sometime. But the pressure was high at one point, I told my parents that I also wanted to get married. But i can't get married due to some health issue. I am kind if impotent(actually lie, but just told to convince them). It will spoil a girls life a d end in divorce. Again our family name will spoil. I even checked with all doctors. Since its by birth can't cure it bla bla bla. They cried for a week. Later they never forced me to get married. Also i tolf them i am happily living my life. You guys dont worry. Just enjoy the life you wanted :-). Now things afe smooth. But still i couldn't face my relatives. Every occasion they ralk about my marriage only...

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Posted On Oct 5, 2018 - 10:14 AM

I came out to my parents about a week ago. It was killing me from inside, I had no idea of how they might react. And I was extremely hesitant and afraid to tell them but these things ought to come out. My parents are normal (meaning homophobic) and they had difficulty accepting it, they still think my mind is just playing tricks. But I told them because they have always asked me to talk out everything to them. Guys it's hoooorible while you are coming out, believe me, but if our parents care for us then it's our responsibility to give them some time to cope it up with and to explain it to them. You can just simply leave them in old age and become a typical Indian selfish son or you can help them understand what we are. Being gay is no children play, we bear a lot in us but every strong person needs someone.

P.S.- my parents still don't accept homosexuality as a lifestyle but they don't blame me for being homosexual and they want me to decide weather I wanna get counselled or not.

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Posted On Oct 5, 2018 - 11:47 AM

I applaud ur courage @Flamer! I came out to my folks five years ago but the battle still continues! I am happy your parents are not entirely hostile! Be patient with them as coming out is a process!

I shall pray for you :)

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Posted On Oct 5, 2018 - 07:27 PM

Honestly i cant understand, what keeda is inside all these relatives nether region. Why cant they mind their own fcking business. Why do they need to poke their noses in others private lives. I mean, hum bhi kisi na kisi ke relatives hai na, we dont go about harassing n torturing ppl abt their marriage work salary life etc. Why dont our parents understand this thing, n stay away from such stupid nosy relatives.

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Posted On Oct 11, 2018 - 04:28 PM

Guys now that section 377 has amended... Do u think we can just casually tell people that we are gay?

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Posted On Oct 12, 2018 - 05:54 AM

It wasn't the people, friends and family who were going to imprison you for 377. The repeal just means we're no longer criminals. It doesn't change anything about the social stigma nor does it make it something to brag about