Unfortunate people in straight marriage
Are you gay or bi man who got stuck in straight marriage due any societal pressure? Or are you the one who discovered sexuality much later? Or are you one who was just had to settle in unlucky times when being G/bi was not widely accepted?
Have you come out to your spouse or chose to stay hidden or chosen dual life? If you came out how was their reaction? Did you got support or earned hate.
I am asking this because im the one who feels in such situation when discovered my sexuality much later. i can't deny love for men but i care spouse and have children too. living a dual life sucks.
Reply/Post a comment
|Displaying 51 to 82 of 82 comments.|
|Previous comments: 1 2 |
|Posted On Sep 2, 2021 - 06:08 PM|
Unfortunately this is a pain part of our life. To limit my expressions to your post, I always knew I have attraction towards both men and women. So no worries. But I am spiritual and religious and follow the astrology as well. This is another debatable topic I know. But the one I often get consulted has always turned up to be true on his predictions. He has clearly told I am not blessed for a happy life in specific to marriage as well. Even if I come across and get married, the rest of the married life is not going to be fruitful. This is not just *** but overall. I am 36 and I will turn 37 this month (sept 23). If I look back, I never had relationships, mostly one night stand, i always wished to have a relationship - attempted, but the conversation didnt go that far at all. Not even a week... so I am still accepting myself - I am not blessed to be in relationships, love and *** is extremely minimal in my life etc... SAD and I cry...
Now that I told you am turning 37 in next few days, I am single. There are no family or society pressure at all... Just that mom says, she is unable to handle kitchen stuff, I have maid for all work except kitchen because mom doesnt like... she is living with the hope to handover kitchen responsibility to her daughter in law... I dont know, sometime I feel just register matrimonial site and most of the time I feel, remain single and die with sad / sadder / saddest.
|Posted On Sep 3, 2021 - 01:57 AM|
Seriously I dont call them unfortunate... Because as much I know most of the gay guys are lonely....because they are not ready to come out, I dont think many are not into relationships or living with their bf....which means eventually they become lone, saddened and depressed..
if they are bi, they should get married, not for *** but for a connection.. At least in the old age they will not be alone.. Can spend quality time with better half or children or grandchildren...may be somewhere there will be a guilt of living dual life.. But at the end it's better than living alone..
|Posted On Sep 3, 2021 - 03:41 PM|
@Curiousboy92 To be honest, i would gladly choose living alone than living a dual life. I know that living alone isn't easy by any means and you do sometimes feel sadness creeping into your mind, for not having a partner with whom you can share your life and feelings.
But living a dual life is just suffocating and i can't deal with that suffocation, not even a day. It's like to die inside each and every day and i know i can't handle that at all.
Also, things are changing very fast. People and society are becoming more aware and accepting. I know, we still have a long road to travel but the current generation is definitely more aware and open minded. All you need is to gather some courage and stand on your ground. Things definitely get better.
|Posted On Sep 3, 2021 - 03:59 PM|
Also, just because your life is lonely and sad doesn't mean that you would marry a girl, knowing that you aren't attracted to one, and ruin her life too. It's like "hum toh dub hi rahe hai sanam, tumko bhi leke dubenge" attitude. You can't be that much greedy and selfish. IMO it's always better to demand for your rights and needs rather than succumbing to societal pressure. See, change only happens when people demand for it. If we won't demand for our rights then, how can we expect anything to change at all? Remeber all those western countries that we talk about were once highly regressive and discriminatory against lgbt community. But people from within the community and outside demanded and revolted for the change and that's why lgbt community now enjoys almost equal rights in those countries. You need to demand and remain patient for a change to happen. It may happen that it would take time for a change to come and we may not witness in our lifetime but atleast there would be that satisfaction that we didn't bow down to the societal pressure and lived a true life.
|Posted On Sep 3, 2021 - 09:46 PM|
I have seen many straight people who chose not to get married for god knows what reasons and now at the later stage of their life they are miserable.
Like they regret not getting married at the right time and they have no one their own. They have other family like siblings and all but still the siblings also have their own family.
It's my opinion and I don't want any debates on this but...
I think marriage and having kids gives some purpose to your life, it's some sort of hope for tomorrow it gives you something to look forward to.
If I was staying alone i would have no responsibility nothing...I'll work only to earn enough Money for myself and come home and sleep there is nothing more i can do or will do. But having family motivates people to work hard and look forward, develop and be better everyday.
Thank you for reading
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 02:42 AM|
@shapeoflove….you are so right….
All the gays are who might feel lonely later in their lives should move to another country where lgbt marriage is possible and get married to a person of the same ***…..
You cannot ruin an innocent girls life for your loneliness….period!!!!
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 05:35 AM|
This is a debatable topic& I know many gay guys who are about to get married coz of various reasons mostly to shift focus of people& adhere to the set norms of society.
All here talk about having company, children& having someone to grow old with. What about the alarming divorce rates, the dirty custody battles over kids & assets. These are from guys who were on the "down low" getting sued thru there nostrils on account of deception & deceit. Not to leave out the straight guys who are also living alone who at once thought they would have someone to grow old with. Most of who haven't yet cleared the loans taken for those marriages, but the marriage itself is over.
So case & point being people need to be cognizant of something called Karma & operate from a place of ethics & morality to oneself over manipulation & strategy. After all, your deeds of today, comprise of your tomorrow's.
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 06:35 AM|
Lonelines have no relation with family. You may be surrounded with 1000 people around you and you still may feel lonely.
Even if you have supportive people in your life you may feel lonely. Loneliness comes from within. There are many many people
who are living in solitude and leading excellent lives. By saying solitude I do not mean away from worldly affairs.
There are many people who are married and having kids but they still feel lonely as they never wanted that kind of life. They
realise at a later point of time that they rather wanted a family with a guy. The sexual tension is a separate thing, everytime
you have *** with your wife, you will die in guilt every second. Your wife will suffere from sexual tension and eventually
there wont be any love between you two. I have met many old people in their 60s and 70s who are gay and absolutely happy that they
never chose to get married with a girl and ruin a life. Their philosophy was very simple, that if i marry a girl , I will be ruining 4 lives not just me alone.
Even if you are bi, it do not give you a right to ruin a girl's life.You must be sure if you want that person or not. There
are many who are bi and get married and still hang around at all the hooking websites and apps. What's the point of it? If
you are not true to your resolve ad your oath then you anyway are a worthless person.
We often complicate the simplest things in life unnecessarily. Here are the steps which one should follow.These are not just
for homosexual people but applies to everyone irrespective of sexual identity.
1) Decide if you want to get married or not
2) If you want to get married then be sure that you want to stick to your partner forever
3) If you want to get married (Because you genuinely love your partner) and want to have *** with others outside the marriage
then talk to yourpartner beforehand if he/she is comfortable with it or not. Talk if you want an open marriage.
Now you may ask what about societal pressure? Well you are 18+ , you have the right to make life choices on your own and
nobody have got a right over you, even your own parents. If they force you for it, its not because they want you to be happy,
its because what they think is good for you, its because they want to grow their family, its because they want to see grandkids.
But they will never ask you what you genuinely want! But they will keep telling you what they want and what you should do!
But isnt that happening to you since forever? You chose wrong subjects, you chose wrong career you made wrong life choices all
because what they think is right!
Listening to people's advices is not wrong but you must understand and see how it aligns to your own beliefs and value system.
Come out to your parents and tell them what you really want, if they genuinely love you then they will care and love you irrespectively.
People may say that having a kid or a family gives you a purpose and hope for tomorrow. Seriously?
Dont you see the sacrifice you have made to yourself, dont you see how everytime you curse yourself when having *** with your wife?
Dont you regret each day? dont you feel bad hooking around with others but at the same time expecting your child learns all the good
Purpose and a hope for tomorrow is not driven by family or children , its nowhere related at all. The purpose comes from within.
We must remember, true happiness comes when we are true to ourselves. It's as simple as that.
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 01:38 PM|
I don't think even straight marriages are all healthy - meaning loyal and *** satisfied. Compromises and regrets are part of every married life. So passing judgements like even bi guys should not be married and stay single forever is certainly not in good sense. I think those who are saying so are personally seeking validation and support for their decision. Every person's needs, desires, situation and sexuality are different. Can't pass blanket judgements. Each individual is master of their life.
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 01:43 PM|
And it's love and human relations that drive every human being everyday. Its a universal truth. Particularly after 50s and 60s when sexual desires subside and we approach evening of our life certainly sexual orientation won't be a problem. Its a practical truth that all need love and emotional support which can be obtained through marriage only. In fact being single affects our health also. Psychosomatism.
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 01:45 PM|
All said and done I am sure there are millions of gays and bis leading/led happy married life. I remember there was another threat here in ohmojo where married men discussed how they are happy they got married.
|Posted On Sep 4, 2021 - 02:14 PM|
Please don't be one of those people who listen and read to react. It's pretty evident that you did NOT read properly what I have written. Nowhere I said even BI should not get married. I clearly wrote 'One must be sure of the person who they are marrying and their commitment and oath'.
Try to understand the context of the topic. 'The topic is unfortunate people in straight marriages. The topic is specifically for
LGBT community. So lets stick to that, shall we? The topic is not about the morality of straight marriages. The question clearly targets
the people from our community who got married to straight people due to societal pressures and similar reasons.
Of course, it's love and relationship which drives human every day, but for that, you don't have to get married it's not necessary.
Marriage by definition is 'the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship'. If you want
a relationship then go for it and spend the whole life with any person you want be male or female.
When you marry someone you are bounded by legal document too. Also you are bounding your partner too which is that you will stay
loyal to her/him forever.
Your point is completely ridiculous when you say 'Particularly after 50s and 60s when sexual desires subside and we approach evening of our life certainly sexual orientation won't be a problem'
By saying this you simply mean that you are ok to ruin your partner's first 30 years of life whereas you want to hook around but dont want to let your partner do similar thing.
If you need someone a friend is better, even a caretaker is good at that age. And still, if you think that way try to do that in your 60s and be open to the other partner.
I am simply saying
1) If you want to get married to opposite-*** too and even if you want to get indulged with other partners then
don't let your married partner suffer, the least you can do is to be open with her about yourself. Also, this needs to be done before marriage. Sexuality is an important thing and your partner must know about you.
2) if you want to live a lie then dont come to these kind of forums because even if you get the truth you will never digest it
|Posted On Sep 5, 2021 - 11:59 AM|
I hate that in all of these discussions LGBT are automatically assumed to be victims. Most of the time they get married out of their own volition and not because of societal pressure. They constantly cheat on their spouses, break their trust and sometimes even brag about it in their inner circles. They encourage others to do the same too. Promiscuity has been normalised in the community to an extent that there are a ton of people just taking advantage of it while playing victims. And then when they get caught they blame the society, their spouse and everyone else but themselves.
|Posted On Sep 5, 2021 - 12:22 PM|
Yeah...I couldn't agree more here. They're hardly victim's, the only victim's they are, would be of their own choices. Nothing else, the rest is just hogwash. If they're not man enough to man for themselves, they hardly will man up with anything else, just a simple rule of thumb. Evidently not very conscientious people to be around either.
|Posted On Sep 15, 2021 - 07:28 AM|
Societal pressure? An ailing parent? What exactly is it. If you are from a metro city, there are enough of stories that emboldens one to live a single independent life.
People are not unfortunate, Worst is, their legal partner is the most unfortunate one.
It is absolutely sham to see how uncouth these married people tend to prey on platforms like ohmojo.
|Posted On Sep 16, 2021 - 12:19 PM|
Hi guys.... Being gay/bi and married to a girl is always a good description....Yes if u want a family then get married and stop sleeping with men..I agree it's difficult but not impossible.... slowly with time when u have kid with other responsibilities...u ll be busy......I feel everything is in mind.
|Posted On Sep 16, 2021 - 12:21 PM|
There is an edit ... Being a bi/ gay and married to a girl is always a tough decision.
|Posted On Sep 16, 2021 - 02:20 PM|
If you want family you can have one, you don’t have to marry an unaware girl for that purpose and then train yourself to stop living systematically!
However tough the decision is, you are not even letting the girl know all the facts when you make your “tough decision”. And then to compensate you say you won’t be happy either (which is a really bad logic).
No matter if you or Gay/Bi, just let the other person know. Talk it out and see how you can make this work (open relationship for example but there are many other ways). Make the decisions together as opposed to creating a world full of lies for your wife/kids and then suffocating in it.
|Posted On Sep 16, 2021 - 07:26 PM|
@vihit2345 please stop imposing your opinion on others and putting it as a global statement. it os is you who feel that way and this thread is not for you to preach what is right and what is wrong.
express your thoughts and opinions but don't judge people. don't play that "i am gay and proud and out" mentality on everyone. if so would have been the case you and everyone else wouldn't have been using this platform.
before trying to show how enlightened you are, learn to listen and let others express what they want to.
and stop putting your nonsense attitude of commenting and demoralising everyone who don't write what you think is right.
go and live your life happily in the real world and leave us sad tormented people to share and express our views and situations within us wrong people.
|Posted On Sep 16, 2021 - 10:01 PM|
Okay am on this forum for this exact reason darkdude! To tell people be yourself and accepting! Sure you are sad and tormented what about your wife (who is not sad, yet completely in the dark!!)
I am preaching because Even if one guy doesn’t marry a girl under pressure because of what I “preach” it would be a personal victory for me!
Sick and tired of all this “unfortunate/sad/tormented” quotes. You are not the victim it is your partner that is the real victim. And of course I am gay out and proud because it came at a cost that you are not even ready go think about paying.
Whatever choice you made darkdude was to save you and your family’s face. And you sacrifices an innocent girl and her family for it. And when someone tries to tell you the reality it suddenly becomes preaching.
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 02:56 AM|
@vinit, you don't know a *** about you are talking. Stop preaching your unnecessary and unwanted gyaan. Every human have their own struggle.
Two below the poverty line or extremely rich guy, may not have a similar life experience. Everyone have a different battle. Just that you are able to work it out, doesn't mean everyone can or should..
Married men have highest number of suicide ratio in India.
And when you right in such forums, ensure that you don't expose your narrow sighted thought process.
Take care, and stop replying to everyone who oppose your school of thoughts.
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 03:00 AM|
*** about what you*
And when you write*
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 10:35 AM|
I'm married. Out to my own family and in-laws.
The only unfortunate thing me not standing for myself when I had the time and space to choose for myself.
I am bi- Wife is my college sweetheart. It was one sided. I proposed. She disposed. I moved on.
Later, fell for a man, got heartbroken, came out as a bisexual at home. Was asked to leave.
I came out to the girl- still not in love with me. I wanted her to cancel me so I could move on once for all.
She accepted me with my past- marriage was still not in sight. We remained friends.
Five years on, I grew disenchanted with the M2M world. Considered marriage.
She had her share of ups and downs too, we got married ultimately.
Marriage turned out to be eye opening after the romantic phase.
We were simply mismatching characters. No one was bad- but we were simply poles apart.
We gave enough heartache to each other- yet stuck together through a horrible medical event, deaths in the family and tumultous job switches.
As much we needed each other as humans- we despised each other. We were very kind, and incredibly mean in our own ways.
I slept out of the marriage.
Our distances grew and grew.
She smelled a rat and confronted me. I came out clean.
It was very violent- parents and in-laws got involved.
She moved out with the daughter we raised for four years.
Without telling me- it was a surprise.
It was difficult for our daughter who was dependent on me- I was the default parent.
It's been two years. We're healing one grain every day.
We don't bay for each other's blood- we're not enemies.
We're not even great friends- but we know each other as a person.
We're living in our separate homes, not far from each other.
We live together during festivals- the child lives with me for months (thanks to remote schools).
We even exchange stock market tips and investment ideas- BUT- we're not returning to the world we thought we had.
You see her in pain- whether in career, life or any other aspect- you wish to hold her hand, let her cry in your arms- but that is lost.
Physical touch is very rare- I do pat her on the back when she's done something great- an achievement at work, a superhit recipe- but those touches are one-sided.
Our child needs both of us- which is why we're still hanging by a thread.
We know the other partner will still support unconditionally in a life-or-death situation, but that's it.
I chose marriage, I chose my sexuality, I chose vents and outlets for me in angst-
I paid the price for it.
It's easy to blame parents and brother for shutting doors when you came out.
It's easy to say marriage was a decision because I was scared to die alone.
Marriage didn't cure my loneliness either.
Only I'm responsible for my choices and their fruits.
But, we haven't given up on any possibility of little smiles and sunshines.
Love entirely on our terms may be a possibility for another birth now.
The man dies. The father lives.
Grateful for access to child, occasional privileges of visiting and hosting the child and her mother.
Grateful for the possibility that the one left behind will still cry if the other one dies first.
The best chance is reunion in afterlife- where we'll meet again without judgement, and meet in love, light and warmth.
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 11:18 AM|
that's heart-wrenching, do good buddy... idk what to say more...
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 12:26 PM|
@Cluelesshubby Goosebumps 🥺
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 01:56 PM|
@Cluelesshubby Probably a best read after a long time. Hope you stay strong!
|Posted On Sep 17, 2021 - 02:08 PM|
@cluelesshubby Giant hug to you!!!!
|Posted On Sep 18, 2021 - 12:53 AM|
Mr.Cluelesshubby , I hope you have a much better next life.
|Posted On Sep 18, 2021 - 01:46 AM|
Deeply touched by the concern and feelings expressed in the five responses above.
Honestly, I am at peace with my choices and consequences after long. Attacks of self-pity do return. Blaming others is the easiest thing- but it doesn't help.
Ultimately it's important to realise I'm responsible for my choices alone. Pointing fingers won't change the present.
Maybe we chose this experience in this life because another generation needs more understanding and supporting parents.
Believe everything happens for the best, keep faith and the universe will gently lead you the best options in the worst scenarios. Love.
|Posted On Sep 18, 2021 - 06:35 AM|
CluelessHubby u really know how to express urself with words... and a big hug for u...
|Posted On Sep 22, 2021 - 10:40 AM|
@cluelessHubby... I would understand the pain u would have gone through, when ur daughter was taken away without letting u know... but big kudoos to you, atleast now you were able to come out clean... Hugs..cheers....
|Posted On Sep 22, 2021 - 01:51 PM|
Cluelesshubby: I really feel for you as I know how it is to walk all alone in this path of struggle which you went through. During such times all you need is someone who asks no questions and has no judgments and just gives u a simple hug when you need it. Its a indirect way of being tortured in ones life span, and kudos to you that you could majority overcome your miseries and continue your life with the acceptance of the situation as its surely not easy as many like me get stuck up in past and find it difficult to move on.
It makes me wonder how your friends reacted to all this and their acceptance level towards your pref in this whole situation you shared above as it is a crucial part or else one breaks down easily. Hope you had some support system where you could pour it out to survive this hardship all alone. As you so highly said one is always going to feel lonely whether married or single as I dont remember last when i was not feeling lonely though i socialise and keep busy in work to pass on more yrs to reach old age and get done with this life to start afresh with new life lol (stupid thought i know ). One tends to loose out on goal of life and just leading life scattered and go in any direction it takes you post such horrific experiences and sufferings. The wrong choices we make in our life is supported by the societal pressure where we are compelled to take that choice and many a times have no control over it as if its already decided by the almighty.
I hope all turns out perfectly well for you in life ..
|Previous comments: 1 2 |