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Unfortunate people in straight marriage


Submitted by anubhav4 Location: All India (All India, India)

Are you gay or bi man who got stuck in straight marriage due any societal pressure? Or are you the one who discovered sexuality much later? Or are you one who was just had to settle in unlucky times when being G/bi was not widely accepted?

Have you come out to your spouse or chose to stay hidden or chosen dual life? If you came out how was their reaction? Did you got support or earned hate.

I am asking this because im the one who feels in such situation when discovered my sexuality much later. i can't deny love for men but i care spouse and have children too. living a dual life sucks.

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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 16, 2021 - 05:57 PM

I think most of guys here don't know their sexuality at right time. Due to social pressure or due to fear of acceptance we all agreed to straight marriage. Everyone is on same page either u accept this truth or not. After few years of marriage u got high desire to have s__x with men. In this scenario we go with multiple partners because we are in straight marriage we don't want to bound ourself with one man. We have fear of falling in relationship with man parallel to straight marriage. So in discreet way we try to fulfill our desires. But remember one thing, EVERY ONE HERE HAVE RANDOM AND MULTIPLE PARTNERS. THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR REAL NAME OR REAL HEALTH CONDITION EVEN. 90% PEOPLE DONT GO FOR STD TESTS ON REGULAR BASIS. STILL THEY EXCHANGE BODY FLUID. IT'S NOT SAFE AT ALL. WITH US ITS HARMFUL FOR OUR FAMILY WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT OUR HIDDEN LIFE. SO ALWAYS GO FOR SAFE ***.

@Anubhav4 I am also in same scenario. Love family unconditionally still hunting for men to fulfill inner desire. And sometimes feeling so weird due to this dual life 😔

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Fantom *
Posted On Aug 16, 2021 - 06:07 PM

Agreed, Create Safe environment for such....
Because what are we doing is not crime as such, it's a life and life has a experiences,
stay safe and go for safe
Preconditions should be there before you meet your partner,
Don't go hypothetically.
Discuss first,
It's one life after all.

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hotbotpop
Posted On Aug 16, 2021 - 07:05 PM

I'm in the same boat. Dual life sucks, I agree. My wife's sexual appetite has reduced as I'm usually not very keen for ***. We do have it once in 2 weeks though but I put in lot of effort which she is not aware of. Like I use butt plugs secretly during our ***, which helps a lot in ***.

It also feels awkward to watch movies where they show passionate kisses or ***, since we never had it passionate. Our *** is boring, it is always early in the morning when I just sneak to bathroom, wear butt plug and initiate missionary *** and in the process, use my imagination a lot.

I'm not very keen on meeting random people and *** (since I *** regularly), so safety is not much of a concern for me. Other than ***, rest all are fine. It's fun to go around traveling, playing with kids and life in general. But if I can go back by 6 years, I don't think I would have married. It's like I can't be myself at least 50% of the time and that sucks.

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Chettu
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 04:52 AM

Guys it's ok to be on both side as still the educated n westernised cultured people of India didn't accepted gay or bi relationship in a appropriate way... It will definitely take some time but eventually things will sort out...

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 04:59 AM

First of all IT IS A CHOICE. If you are gay and got married under societal pressure it is a choice you made to avoid pressure and cheating someone innocent in the process.
If you became aware of your sexuality later and are still in that marriage without talking to your spouse again a choice made by a person.
In both these above scenarios you are calling all the shots for both yourself and your partner(super unfair to the other person.)

And sure there is societal pressure but no one asked you to cave and chose an easy path of cheating someone into a marriage to save your face( if you are bi that is awesome but does your spouse know about it is the question?)

All being said I feel zero sympathy for such people at all, and if I must I feel bad for their partners who at no point had the knowledge of it or a choice to make.

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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 07:51 AM

@vihit2345 first of all no one looking for your sympathy here. Another thing definitely 100% u r right it's choice. But to choose something you need to have proper understanding at right time and willingness to acceptsomething. Now a days society is very much open and lgbtq are accepted everywhere. Earlier , even before 10 years homosexuality was crime legally too. I have few unmarried friends whom I have make understand to stand with sexuality and not to marry under pressure. One friend's mother threatened him for suside. So here we are just to write our opinion, experience to get some mental relief. No need to be harsh 🙏.

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aayaan6nine
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 09:25 AM

@anubhav4, first of all it's not your fault to have realised late in life. I think it's eventually what you want for YOUR life. If YOU are not happy in your marriage and satisfied completely then what's the point of that marriage. It's like living a lie everyday and I feel deeply sorry if you or anyone has to go through it. I would recommend professional counselling because you need to understand if you are even willing to make any drastic change to your life at all. I see you mention you care for your spouse and children which is good but you are losing yourself in this if you keep living this way. Coming clean to your spouse or children can be a huge issue coz of families getting involved and making it more complex and no one wants to go through that humiliation. If your spouse is open and you think will understand then maybe you should discuss the possibility of an open marriage. You should seek professional help to get through this.

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skilledmate
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 10:23 AM

I think the question also is whether u love ur spouse. If u love her, talk to her. She deserves it, You deserve it. I was never romantically interested in men. But sexually yes, loved to CD and *** play secretly with myself. One day I spoke with my wife after years of suppressing the desire. She took it hard, but over period of time, love triumphed. Today we have rocking *** life. She uses strap on, fucks me anally. Sometimes (not in India), I dress up like a girl and we go out on 'lesbian dates'. Coming out to her was the best decision. I am not saying u will have same experiences and indeed a wife may fully understand whilst another may not. But I feel be true & honest to yourself and to your life partner. Again, just my view born from my experience.

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kunal16
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 11:02 AM

almost same with me i am married for 16 years but *** life with wife is dull. feel very akward but cant help. i am side . i like being with guys in general. i am not into hardcore *** with i am more comfortable with guys

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 01:41 PM

@sahajshah I know it was harsh but about it but my mom threatened me with suicide as well and I didn’t budge and married my husband anyways. She came along when she knew she will loose me with all the tantrums and now refers to him as my “friend” and asks how is he doing.
As I said one that has never come out does not know the liberating feeling it gives you hence what I said sounds harsh.
But what you are saying is one should save their mom by marrying an innocent girl and ruin her life (yes you eventually loving them yet being on forums with your torso pics is not what she deserves!)

There are unfortunate people but thats women who end up being nothing but a beard and raising the kids with bare minimum expectations. Over the years many guys make them feel like this is the normal “frequency” and life is like this once you are married.


Also the validation and support you seek will be given by 8-9 out of 10 other guys here because they are living the same lie. Remember people had kids with someone that doesn’t even know the truth about their husband, that is again a CHOICE.

Talking about criminality and marriage, Irrelevant! Did you not hook up with guys 10 years back because it was illegal too, gay marriage is still illegal btw, I am considered single in India.

Let me ask you @sahajshah how do you feel about your wife having *** with other men? In the neighbourhood and some that she met online? For like a bunch of years and not knowing about it at all?

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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 03:37 PM

@vihit2345 I think your question is invalid in case of bisexual man. Hope u know difference between gay and bisexual. Hetr nothing about only ***. Discussion was initiated by someone who was guilt by dual life. People who are open . Who have accepted themselves are brave enough. This was for them who fallen in straight marriage earlier somehow and later understand sexuality. Hope u have rear first conversation from @anubhav4. He is trying to find solutions not trying to gain unnecessary hate. You have handled your case that's brave of you. But everyone don't went through same scenario. Different people different situations different problems.

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 04:28 PM

Again the thread starts with “unfortunate people in straight marriages” but once you know your sexuality what have you done with that information is important as well.
I know what bisexual is very well but does your partner know about you being bisexual is the question.

Most importantly the liberties one takes outside the marriage are they known to the partner and do they have the same ability in the marriage (open marriage in simple words).

I am not hating anyone, just being Harsh because I do not want to tell you it is okay when it is not. Other people will because they are more or less doing the same and want that validation.

Just sit back, think carefully of what you have been doing for all these years and try putting yourself in your partners position of being in the unknown. You are afraid of their anger/reaction but what you fail to realise is they have every right have it.

You are calling all the shots in your marriage by deciding what should happen while your partner is unaware and then on top of that calling yourself unfortunate. Thats is what my “Hate” is channeled towards.

Has your marriage stopped you from enjoying with men? Dows your wife have the same option outside the marriage? I get you are bisexual and keep your wife “Happy” but does she know you also seek and find your “happiness” outside? And once you answer these questions are you “unfortunate”?

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 04:54 PM

And regarding Anubhav’s post I know the guilt is real but it has to be resolved by professionals if not by yourself.
I am trying to tell you the flip side and you are coming back at me with things like “do you know the difference between gay and bi”.
Basically you do not want to hear the flip-side of it and just hear about other peoples guilt and feel slightly better that you are not the only one.

Your partner has the right to choose to live with you or not based on the TRUTH. Have you given them that chance?

Let me try an extreme example:
1) you commit a crime.
2) You feel guilty.
3) You go to a forum and ask a question to find who are other people criminals living under the same guilt.
4) 9 out of 10 people tell you that they feel the same guilt and it is bad to live with it. You feel better and go around with your life potentially messaging the other person and hooking up sharing the guilt (I know because I have a bunch of messages already from this thread asking about my husband.)
5) 1 person says “ you should come clean” but you make him the bad guy with lack of understanding of gravity of this situation. But in the end that is the right choice and you reject it for selfish reasons because you want it all.
CONCLUSION: you are still a criminal (this is for example purposes to make it clear, not calling you a criminal! Thought should clear this up before you go on a whole other tangent)

In the end its you getting everything your way and yet be miserable under guilt. As someone suggested above seek help, go to a therapist talk it all out and process it. Even if you are Bi there is coming out by the way(Yes I happen to know a lot of Bi couples)! It is LGBTQ+ remember? Stop making all the decisions for your marriage its about love. Remember they have planned all your life around you and your lie. Give them the truth and their own time to deal with the truth. Its going to stink but its the right thing to do. Otherwise keep up with this and not call yourself unfortunate at least. Because the validation you seek can only be given by other people in your boat, that does not make it right.

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mmmw
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 05:22 PM

Ahhhh, we human beings are so judgmental. These “holier than thou” arguments have always amused me. We conveniently forget how complex the human mind is! Guilt trip (both ways!) is so easy to spin. What do I know? I am just another mere mortal. Let me go back to judging myself and figuring out whom to sleep with tomorrow night :).

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 17, 2021 - 06:47 PM

Well maybe I did but all I am saying is first of all its a choice, secondly please dont come to forums calling yourself unfortunate or feeling unfortunate.
Seek help and talk to people that will give you good advice not just “I am totally in the same situation” replies because you have not suffered. Unfortunate is being trapped in a straight marriage with no stepping out of it even for something momentary/physical.

Also i m not holier than anyone, my point is about wifes not lnowing about it at all, them knowing and having same options in marriage is more fair
Here it is all about I will sleep with men and come back to my LOVE and ask other guys who do the same about it. But she is not allowed to step out because I will make sure she keeps living the lie. You are making someone elses life decisions for them basically and that is what sounds like “holier than thou” but its a mare basic right for a human being.

I can tell this from being on the other side, however scary coming out it it is an amazing feeling and once you are out you will feel different. People you love do not deserve being cheated for years in some of your cases decades. That is UNFORTUNATE.
I know it is a hot take but its the right one.
Peace out.

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Akshay99
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 02:26 AM

All are discussing how unfortunate they are in a straight marriage here but nobody wants to talk about the opposite *** spouse who has got into it and is suffering most…..guys stop being selfish to spoil someone’s life. DO NOT GET MARRIED IF YOU CANNOT SATISFY HER SEXUALLY…..Its the most selfish thing you can do to someone and ruin their life

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Monsterck
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 05:05 AM

Yes u r right @akshat99 but now in world all over one more thing very popular swiping and coukolding .in infia govt also aproved that thing by act
In that any lady physical with any person as she like
And today many thing in modern life so enjoy like make all happy

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 05:55 AM

@akshay99 thank you!!! Thats what I have been trying to say in really long paragraphs! @monsterck yesss! Everyone should have a choice in it!!!!

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cindrella_c
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 08:18 AM

What Akshay99 said is very important. Think about the girl's situation. If that girl is your sister or daughter, how would you feel?
Pressure is there for everybody and the choice is with the individual. Balancing gay life and hetero marriage life is nothing to be proud of IMO. It is a choice made by somebody. Unfortunately they end up hurting a girl. Somebody might *** the wife everyday and say they satisfy completely. Are they not meeting guys even after that?
It is individual's choice. There is nothing to complain when somebody else is unknowingly suffering more.

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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 10:09 AM

@Akash99 exactly 💯that's what I am also trying to say. DO NOT MARRY IF YOU ARE IN TO MEN. I WRITE IN MY EARLIER POST THAT I HAVE CONVINCED FEW OF MY FRIENDS THAT DONT MARRY IF YOU ARE IN MEN. But someone post here that he is married and guilt for dual life. People here asking what if your wife will get **** by someone else. Here what need to understand a Man Sleeping with MEN. Whose wife is not belong to LGBTQ. This man is really concerned and worried for family, he feels what will happened if they will come to know his sexuality. So problem is for guy who is already in straight marriage and wanna come out as gay or bi. He has to be very careful while coming out. As he has to be well prepared to take out his family from trauma they will go through. ITS NOT NOT NOT NOT ONLY ABOUT *** ONLY. ITS ABOUT ATTACHMENT DEVELOPED WITH HER WIFE AND KIDS. SO I THINK PERSON SHOULD TAKE HELP OF PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR. THEY MAY HELP HUSBAND AND WIFE BOTH TO DEAL WITH THIS. In forum like this People have self centric knowledge. Everyone is in race of proving themselves right and to becomes judgmental. Just think someone going to wife and kids and family and tell them I am gay I will be with MEN. How wife will feel first? There is one web series called HIS STORY . Watch it to understand this is equal troma for the person and family. I agree getting marry and calling it unfortunate is not right. But someone need proper way to comeout from problem. I think Only professional counselor can help

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kunal16
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 01:05 PM

akshay u r right . tops still can mange but bottom it will be very diffcult. rather marry a lesbion if u hav too much pressure but the maon issue is once to get elder its very difficult to live life alone. these so called gay/bi friends all vanish as there is no social commitment in this reltionship. this topic is very subjective as everyone has there own circumstances.

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 01:33 PM

@sahajshah first of all congratulations on your breakthrough with Unfortunate, also yes one should seek a counsellor if one needs help! All good.

What I implied when I said about other men and wife was as simple as Apart from her you have the ability/choice to sleep with men, “Does she have the same choice to make or you made it for her?” As simple as that. Maybe if she knows about you she would base her decision on that and does that scare you? Is it intimidating to let one make a well informed choice?
And yes its not just about *** but again let her decide stop making decisions for her!

And yes you are Bi and I get what Bi is, THERE IS STILL COMING OUT TO DO(in other words you are no better than a gay guy marrying a woman as you highlighted above, because bi or gay your wife still doesnt know the truth, something that does affect her) You are sleeping with men too and she doesn't know that and yes she should know and make her decisions accordingly in a perfect world. But I can send this a million times and you will completely miss my point and go on other tangent from my long paragraphs.

Would definitely put HIS STORY on my watch list. But being on the other side I have a tendency to not love how one struggles after one bad decision that changes an innocent person and their families life in a country of ours.

Simple life related example would be:
Do you and your wife get tested for STD’s REGULARLY? If no you are also making health related decisions for her. So please continue with your high road of I am bi and there is a difference. You might be exposing her to more risks given you are Bi. Without her knowledge.


@Rajnavimumba its good you are figuring it😈

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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 05:30 PM

@vihit2345 ... l haven't mentioned you any where in my last post. But still you jump with your thoughts and asking me questions. So I would love to answer your last question. I am connected to medical background somewhere. I am doing my tests regularly without fail. I am also taking all precautions while have *** with my wife. Because I know very well where I am involved. And and I never allow anyone for any kind of unsafe *** in any circumstances. If you will see my many of posts you will understand I request people to get tested frequently and to create healthy/safe environment. For the last time let me tell you...SOMEONE IS MARRIED BEFORE FEW YEARS WHEN HOMOSEXUALITY WAS CONSIDERED AS CRIME IN INDIA. PEOPLE MAY NOT HAVE KNOWLEDGE EVEN AT THAT TIME THERE CAN ME SAME *** MARRIAGE TOO. HE GOT MARRY TO WOMAN. NOW HE FEELS FOR MEN OR MAY BE HE WAS FEELING FROM CHILDHOOD REALISE LATER. NOW HE IS BOUNDED WITH EMOTIONS TO FAMILY, STILL WANT TO FULLFILL HIS DESIRE. HE FELT HE SHOULD POST HERE HIS PROBLEM SO MAY BE GET SOME HELP TO COMEOUT FROM GUILT. BECAUSE DEFINITELY THERE ARE SIMILAR PEOPLE IN THIS FORUM. NOW ABOUT ME.... I am very much capable to handle myself my family. I am not looking for any help or suggestion here and don't have any such issue in my life. I am out where I should be. So instead of asking me something which I really don't want to answer you.
Help that guy who is really emotionally stuck. Who is not expecting here to ask him what if his wife get *** by neighbors? He has clearly mentioned he loves his family and that's why he is guilt. So help him if you can. Else as I said suggest him to take professional help. Sometimes we are so excited to show our knowledge and thoughts, in excitement we forget actual questions and answer something which not asked.

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hotbotpop
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 06:10 PM

Ok I'm married to a straight girl from a conservative Tamil family. I'm a straight acting, manly 'bottom' guy. I have had physical *** with only one guy back during my college days and little after for like 3-4 years, every single day. He was a top. Now both of us are married and have kids each. We are still in touch, but not having *** anymore. This and some platonic stuff during bachelorhood 3-4 times with strangers. I got married like 8 years back. Yes I succumbed to social pressure. Kudos to Vihit for standing up for himself, I regret not doing that. If someone asks me for suggestions now, I would definitely recommend them NOT to get married whether gay or bi.

Now that I've done this, I would still call myself 'unfortunate'. My wife may be more unfortunate but I'm also unfortunate for I've to battle with this guilt every day. I never had *** with any other guy post marriage, but I do *** watching gay ***. Actually I can live without physically having *** with any guy for my life, it has never been a concern for me. So there is no question of carelessly spreading STD to my wife and all that.

My only trouble is I'm unable to sexually satisfy my wife or myself. Below are the choices I have.

1. Come out to my wife. What I wish - my wife may understand and I take her to strip clubs and let her have *** with other men, kind of like open marriage. What would happen - She is very conservative. This may be devastating to her, our whole family dynamics may change and God knows what other issues may pop up.
2. Come out and seek divorce - no question of that. Though she is not sexually satisfied, we do have a good life and divorce is of no good for both of us or the kids.
3. Maintain the status quo - it is tough, I feel the guilt every night and not sure how long I can continue like this. But I just would need to find coping mechanisms.

Please advice the best course of action. I have been to therapists but did not find them useful.

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Gayashish3
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 07:04 PM

People who have come out clean and married same *** partners are not themselves divine that they are lecturing here .. when you have got your love of ur life why are you still here on this site ? Why do u still *** around with other men ? Aren’t you same as many of the others here just with a small difference that back hime you have a loving husband
You are also cheati g , also carrying back infections, also lying !
Not directed at anyone particular …

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darkdude
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 07:36 PM

its great if u r out and proud but for those who aren't, we cannot judge them. even they in their way lead their lives and can be happy too. they are the ones always looking for a solution to handle that particular marriage situation or a way out. if only one could get the much needed assurance.

so here is something i got from a friend-
one of my best friends got married 3 years back and i can assure you he is very honest with me. he is gay, not bi or confused. leading a happy married life. he does go around with guys sometimes as the urge is always there.
i asked him how is it to be married and maintaining physical relation with his wife and this is what he said.
he said first 3 months were really difficult, as he didn't feel any attraction at all. but then he got attached to her emotionally. and then being together, sleeping on the same bed, being emotionally attached and caring for her, the physical thing happened and continues even today.
i wasn't sure or rather couldn't imagine how this could have happened so then he gave me an example.
imagine u (being gay) get a roommate ( a guy) who is not at all ur type or preference (say u r a bottom and u get a very less attractive bottom roommate or a similar scenario being top or in terms of ur preference) then what would happen? u won't feel the *** thing at all, u may not like his way of living, his lifestyle, u may start getting irritated or have cold wars at some point, thats human nature, when u don't feel for someone,right? but imagine the opposite, u get a roommate just like a guy u would desire, even if he does irritating things, u will ignore and somehow get close and may even bond sooner and thats a good thing that could happen to someone to stay together. now in the first case, there could be time u become friends and bond (forget the *** thing for now) and u start caring for him, now looks and preferences doesn't matter in. but this could only happen if u be patient and accepting, we cannot change or control the other person. once that happens, both will care for each other and at some point they will get intimate , may be out of care or ones own need or to please the other person.

this may sound a bit weird or hypothetical or a best case scenario but it has some truth i could say with experience ( i have fallen in love and got intimate with a number of people whom i wouldn't have ever imagined to even hold hands with :P )

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Bottom_Being
Posted On Aug 18, 2021 - 10:44 PM

@vihit2345 i am glad some of you guys are actually telling the harsh truth and i am also not shocked ki many will here try to disregard your points or play victim card to justify their deeds because it has been normalized to a great extent by so called fellow members of our gay community (not all married guys but majority) getting indulge into sexual activities and their partner and kids having no knowledge about their hidden life....but no matter how much they justify how much they are in guilt it is very wrong and the one who is doing all this they are no more than a *** pig and worst husband and a terrible father Nobody should have respect for them and they also know this that's why they didn't have the courage to tell their secret in their family.........Again at no point i am being disrespectful to any gay or bi man but if you really know that you are a gay or bi at any point of time then you have no right to ruin the life of someone by not letting them know your sexuality ...and those who are still justifying these acts just reverse the role with your wife doing this to your whole life or your dad doing this to your mom or your kid grows up and does the same to his wife/husband it'll be terrible then and it is terrible now

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 12:17 AM

@sahajshah is it that difficult to understand that you keep making all these choices by yourself even for your wife? Secondly please tell me how all precautions are 100% safe. Keep making your own decisions and then pushing gays who marry under the bus and get out of it with a moral highground.

@gayashish if I can come out to my family then you think I would hide it in my new relation no matter how much you want there is no cheating in our marriage, because we dont have to lie we are open. Secondly The whole defence mechanism of disparaging me to feel good about yourself (only work for you and a few others, in reality you still are what you are)


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SahajShah
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 12:24 AM

@Gayahish exactly 💯. I met a guy through grindr before 3 years. When I reached at decided place this guy akash told me his friend neeraj is also there at his place and he is also gay. He asked me for 3some. I got agree and went to his place when I reached there he was preparing lemon tea for me. I was talking to neeraj and come to know they are gay couple and living in same apartment. I was shocked, they got everything they wanted. They are living with their partner of CHOICE. Neeraj has broken his engagement with with girl to live this life of their CHOICE, still hunting for other guy. I asked him why he said we are tops cannot satisfied eachother. isn't this similar to what married guys doing. Even if you will scroll up Someone told he is married to a guy. Still hunting here. Let me ask them.. is you getting fk by your neighbors? Or your partner fking neighbors? If straight married guy are criminals? What you are? Can u stick with one partner for life time which you have chosen?? Or here just to spread GYAN? Babaji if you are that much free mix tea and sugar in one bowl and separate it but don't give wrong advises and gyan to other. Don't judge people as u r also not clean. Coming out doesn't mean people know you are gay or bi so they can approach you easily and u can have multiple partners. It's all about commitment to one person whether you are straight gay or bi.

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 02:02 AM

@darkdude did not exactly get your example but happy for your friend. And glad he fell in love with his wife but isnt it still a lie? And if you do love someone and dont want to hurt them arent you literally wasting your loved ones life by keeping them in dark and deprived of a choice?
Who decides hiding is the right thing to do? It is because one hates confrontation and consequences and then you paint it over with “ I cant hurt my Wife I love her”, when you do not even give her the truth and a chance to choose knowing all the facts!! That is a person being selfish and controlling even manipulative/toxic in some cases.

All I am saying is
Its the wife that is UNFORTUNATE AND STUCK IN A STRAIGHT MARRIAGE caused by the husband (no matter how much pressure he was under it is not the right choice, you took an easy way put by sacrificing someone else’s life full of potential happiness and then giving them marginal happiness to get rid of your guilt)

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 02:14 AM

@sahajshad just stop justifying your situation that is all. Good for Neeraj TO BE TRUE TO HIMSELF. You do not know what it takes for it because you haven’t done it LIKE LITERALLY.
Being sexually open is a choice, if the partner knows and has a choice to be the same way that is natural and normal.

Also the whole part is about honesty and letting people make their own life decisions. My husband a) knows I am gay b) knows what I do without judgement c) still loves me!
Do you even get the difference in the example you gave and what you are trying to make a case for? What you did was not right then, it is not right now. And now thats a judgement.

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VirginTop
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 05:23 AM

If you people learn to say NO to your parents, this whole thread would be unnecessary.

You're fighting about choices and secrets. But you're ignoring the main cause.

Parents don't give you a "CHOICE" and you keep your sexual preferences a "SECRET" from your parents.

Whatever bad thing that you think happens AFTER you get stuck in a straight marriage is your fault for not saying NO to your parents.

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Ammygrammy
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 07:55 AM

Nothing is unfortunate.... I am happily married... Enjoying discreet gay fun... Don't exaggerated thing too much... Keep life simple ...my so many gay/bi friends are getting married during lockdown... And unmarried gay/bi are frustrating due to that

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versatileec
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 09:25 AM

@Ammugrammy, You are happy about your married life because you are happy in your sexual relationship as well and give your partner full satisfaction. May be you are a bisexual but not fully gay. But there are many gays out there who don't like a sexual relationship with a women. And by force, if they get married, they can't satisfy the girl and their sexual life will be a mess. So your points apply only for Bisexual men or gay men who are not 100% gay.

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versatileec
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 09:33 AM

If you can live a happy family life satisfying the girl you marry and at the same time meeting multiple guys outside for ***, you can still go ahead and live that life as long as you don't regret about what you do and you don't care about promises you make in your marriage vows.

But unfortunate people who are stuck in married life are those who cannot satisfy the girl properly and at the same time can't reveal their identity

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Gayashish3
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 10:11 AM

@vihit I specifically mentioned my post isnt targeted to anyone, neither did i tag u there ?
So why the hell r you urself are taking it on urself that you are cheating ??
I don’t know u so y should i b bothered about u ? M not like u !

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 19, 2021 - 06:51 PM

I do not even believe in god to begin with let alone consider myself a messiah.

Secondly its people that think they are god’s messiah who make all the decisions for their wife and then yet have the audacity to call themselves unfortunate and stuck.

I am not even seeking answers to the questions I ask, those questions are for self evaluation(again take it with a grain of salt not shoving it down anyones throat) and everyone that gets triggered by those questions above knows that they do not like the answers they have for it.

I am actually very pro everyone should live their life their way but in many of “unfortunate/stuck” cases I feel my stance stands with the women - they should know, choose and live it their way.
Don’t you think its the guys marrying women and lying all their lives have the gods messiah complex where they make all the decisions for their wife without her knowledge? Then seek approval and validation in a forum?

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hotbotpop
Posted On Aug 20, 2021 - 12:31 AM

@virgintop - You are so right man! The root cause of all our problems is because we were not able to say say NO to our parents.

@vihit2345 - As a married bottom guy, I would say you are absolutely right, bang-on in fact! I completely accept our marriage was MY mistake and I have taken an innocent straight woman's life for granted. As virgintop said, I did not have the guts to say NO to my parents at that time.

Given that you are totally honest and on-the-point, I would like your suggestion, specifically yours (@vihit2345) on my situation.

I'm married, have kids, well settled and my wife is from a conservative family in Tamilnadu. Our life, other than sexual satisfaction, is overall fine. I'm not meeting other guys secretly or whatever, I just ***, so safety and stuff are least of my concern.

My only trouble at this point in my life is, I'm unable to sexually satisfy my wife at all. I ***, so its all ok for me, but I know she doesn't *** either. I'm fine even if we can have an open marriage, or if she goes to strip clubs and all (we are in US), but she wouldn't or may be she doesn't.

I somehow manage to have non-passionate, terrible *** with her once in 2 weeks using butt plugs (secretly) and using my imagination, but I know it is all wrong. So what do I do?

I thought of 2 scenarios and both of them seem like dead end to me.

1. Come out to my wife. What I fear in this? She is very conservative. This may be devastating to her, our whole family dynamics may change and God knows what other issues may pop up. Even our current happiness outside of *** may get screwd up.
2. Maintain the status quo - it is tough, I feel the guilt every night and not sure how long I can continue like this. I would need to find coping mechanisms.

I've been to therapists but they are not much help. Looking forward to just your opinion on how you think I should handle this @vihit2345.

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Nu-Man
Posted On Aug 20, 2021 - 01:21 AM

When we can open our *** to *** a *** we can also open our *** to say no to our parents.
It's our life we need to respect it.
Parents will be gone after sometime.
If we don't respect what we feel who else will.

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vihit2345
Posted On Aug 20, 2021 - 03:33 AM

@hotboppop I am sorry, if the therapist are no good change them. You really should find someone that knows this topic very well and has experience counseling LGBTQ+ community specifically!
Specifically educate yourself do your research, read articles and maybe try and find people who have been through the same experience.
Think about your partner and try being in her place when you plan to do this. Coming out is different for everyone and I cannot tell you how to come out but if you find the right therapist that works and spends the hours knowing you, they would help you navigate this and maybe even do couples counselling.
Remember if the reaction is bad from all around it is valid (they literally lived a lie that you started). Ut is always good to move for a while, experience new city and just reset in life, make new friends and just feel that free feeling. The rewarding phase of this in your case might not happen for quiet a while so I highly recommend developing a support system of people for yourself that you know would be with you know matter what.

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Akshay99
Posted On Aug 20, 2021 - 05:02 AM

People here are debating on a wrong tangent….no therapist or anyone in the world can change your sexual preferences…its in your dna and nothing can be done about it, you are born with it….so stop looking for excuses and learn to be firm and bold by saying no to marriage….at least you will do some good karma in your life and deter from spoiling the life of an innocent ….

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kissses
Posted On Aug 20, 2021 - 05:33 AM

@Akshay99, buddy therapists play an important role in helping out queer individuals deal with the stress associated with coming out or living a closeted life. No one here (at least the recent comments that mention therapists) is suggesting visiting therapists to change their sexuality. I took help from a therapist too when I was planning to come out (in a way) to my family.

And yes, however difficult it might seem, men who clearly KNOW they don't like women and can't do well even sexually with them, should simply not marry. How much ever one argues, how much ever one finds validation, it is certainly not right.

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bggay
Posted On Aug 21, 2021 - 10:28 AM

I have started telling my wife that I am searching gay partner after 7 years of marriage i am making her mind to let her know that I am gay because I love her too much and don't want her to cheat on it

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Chillout14
Posted On Aug 24, 2021 - 05:54 PM

After a lot of years is when you realise any relationship is just not about sexual desire or having ***, either once or msny a times. A marriage is similar of sorts. If at all having *** was the onmy criteria, no one wuld have hot married. So dont link every relatinship to ***. After 5 years, sec is just a part of wedding n u can stil choose to live ur life the way u want it as long as u n everyone around u are comfortable.
Dont think too much. Go, live ur life. *** hardly matters till u r 45 or 50. Beyond tat, ur relationship, the strings attached to ur life matters the most, whether u r in a gay life or u r involved in a straight marriage. So live ur life without regrets friends. My humble submission..not for anyone to b critical about.

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bhimosingh
Posted On Aug 28, 2021 - 07:52 AM

I know two people who are into straight marriage. While the senior one is quite Ok with his life, the junior one wails all the time. I met both of them via dating apps. The junior one had a terrible mental breakdown one day and went into crying baby mode. It was a difficult time for him, and glad, I was there for him. :-)

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Grandios
Posted On Aug 28, 2021 - 07:55 AM

Nobody wants to live a lie. Living in closet is not an easy choice. One can argue about honesty and being true to oneself and others. The physical, emotional, social and financial implications of coming out are unbearable for many. If you have come out, good for you. But get off your high horse - not everybody is fortunate. If you can’t sympathize, you don’t have to rub it in what is already painful.

I get the arguments about honesty to the other partner. I have seen many men and women who are entirely incompatible in varied aspects leading lives together. Sexuality is just one among those incompatibilities. World is unfair and this is just one such unfairness.

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Navluv
Posted On Aug 28, 2021 - 08:19 AM

Completely agree with you @Grandios

First it's not easy to live a lie

Second not everyone is fortunate to be accepted eventually

Third my personal experience... I haven't found a guy for whom I should fight for... It's not for validation of my sexuality but for love... I have yet not found love

Lastly my family knows about my preference but no one wants to talk about it neither do I say a word😭

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Grandios
Posted On Aug 28, 2021 - 07:28 PM

@Navluv Families tend to ignore inconvenient truths. Be it India or anywhere else in the world, people generally deal life with lot of pretensions.

Regarding your personal situation, finding the right partner can be elusive, be it straight marriages or gay ones. Until you find your prince charming, try to enjoy as much as you can. Everybody deserves happiness.

if you want to talk, feel free to message me. I have the experience of feeling lonely even when you are with a lot of people. So I understand.

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Anvay
Posted On Aug 29, 2021 - 06:02 PM

Yes iam in a situation and have met two three people, we have a group now
Trying to live the remaining life in cheer

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PattyNatty89
Posted On Sep 2, 2021 - 05:27 PM

I agree with most of the people here and their concerns are genuine. Even I'm going through same situation. I'm 31 single guy. Thankfully there was no discussion/pressure on me to get married till now.
But now it's time. It's time to choose fake life or true and lonely life.
This is my fear. What if I don't get married and keep on looking for mr. Right for me. What if I do not find anyone? I will miss many things what I dreamt of being with a guy?

I have single gay friends getting aged and feeling lonely. I can see the pain. One day I and my friend were hanging out n saw couple holding hands and walking, chit chatting. After seeing that my friend said see this is what I miss. This one sentence stuck in my mind n now it has become my fear.

I know ITS A GOD DAMN CHOICE but is it that easy? No it's not. Let's consider here, you are coming out to your parents and after lot of fight/drama, they accept who you are but what next?

Looking for guy on Grindr? 99% people are looking for ***. Not sure but I don't think there are any gay matrimony sites today.

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