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Family's reaction to coming out


Submitted by CluelessHubby Location: All India (All India, India)

It was incredibly brave of Dutee Chand, a female sprinter, no matter what her immediate reason to come out or the familial backlash.

Sonam Kapoor acted in a lesbian plot and the film actually got a commercial release. Ayushman Khurana too shall act in a similar film, we hear.

Wish these things happened ten years sooner. Acceptance from the family or the lack of it can make life long, or just make it feel long.

Those who came out, what were your family reactions like? I lost my home after coming out. We exist in a social construct, but the relation is no longer the same.

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Displaying 1 to 46 of 46 comments.

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Arunversatile24
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 04:21 AM

No need to come out ye sab chutiyagiri hain
chup chaap aaram se enjoy karne ka mast rehne ka
ye parents ko batana confess karna sab faltugiri hain

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joe_666
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 05:11 AM

So proud of Dutee Chand

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Naveenkumar1145
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 02:55 PM

There is nothing wrong if someone chooses to come out to their family. It should be their decision alone and everyone should feel comfortable to be themselves. When i came out to my siblings and friends almost everybody was super understanding and welcoming. @cluelesshubby I'm sorry that you had a bitter experience when you came out. The way I look at it, if the people with whom we are close to don't accept us for who we are, then there is no point in spending our energy and time to convince them otherwise. No matter what the relationship is.

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manpurushparas
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 04:54 PM

I know someone who when came out to his friends, he was treated as 'bechara' for not being attracted towards women. This attitude must be changed! They make you feel like abnormal. Our own relatives must be sensitized with this issue.

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Coolbisu91
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 06:10 PM

I came out to my mom around a month back. As my mom is pretty much progressive, I knew that she'll accept me but I thought that she'll be sad and I was expecting all those clichéd questions about being in phase, being confused etc...
So on the next day of my birthday, we were taking rest in the afternoon after lunch. I told her that there is something important that I need to tell her. I was sobbing with all the negative anticipation. She was worried and asked me what. I was not being able to say anything at first but finally I told her that I don't like girls, I like boys.
Her expression was like "uff... The way you were sobbing, I was getting more and more worried that whether you have any serious disease or something. Don't worry. It's natural. You don't need to be like everybody else. You're special. I'm glad that you finally gathered the courage to tell me yourself. Now I can understand why you rejected so many excellent marriage proposals."
I felt like I'm in a modern day fairy tale. But I was super relaxed.
Later she asked me whether I any boyfriend or not. As I answered negative, she told that "I really think that you should find a job at a metro city now. You'll have more chances of meeting someone"
Then she asked me who else know about this. I told her that a few friends do and I'm planning to come out publicly. So she told me she thinks that I should talk to the closet relatives personally first - they deserve to know this from my own ***, not from a social media post. She asked for some time so that she can prepare herself to face all the questions or the comments that may come after I come out. So now, we are working together on the plan about how to tell my father and other close relatives. Hopefully I'll be able to come out openly after my next visit to home...

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Leon1
Posted On May 22, 2019 - 07:09 PM

Good luck for you....... And you should really be blessed to have such a mom .... Next time when you visit everything will go well as your wish .... !!!!

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Vishal85
Posted On May 23, 2019 - 02:56 AM

I too m open to my parents as well. I came out 4 yrs back. Now everything is ok.

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fifty
Posted On May 23, 2019 - 03:11 AM

coolbisu, you are really blessed to have such supportive and understanding mother. Good luck for next steps.

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vivek19
Posted On May 24, 2019 - 07:07 AM

many of my friends now know about me.but i m afraid to tell all these things to my family.can anyone help me?

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Vishal85
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 04:03 AM

@fifty @sunil1990 thank you. Hope one day our country will be independent in this field.

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Kani2707
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 09:05 AM

My coming out story was a disaster. It’s been 5 years now. Coming out is not an end of the story. Any story. It’s just a journey. A lot of talk, counseling, talk, fight, talk, misunderstanding, talk. Now my father passed away disappointedly without fulfilling his responsibility, everyone pushing me to my marriage in a pity path. But still ignoring.

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abbasulli
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 11:56 AM

@kani2707 I feel for you, it is very saddening to hear such instances. There is nothing that we can do, sometimes we have to yield to situations but just anticipating the future issues, it gets more frightening. For the current scenario, i think LGBT Marriage of Convenience is the only way out for gays I feel, unfortunately not many Lesbians come out as much as gays come out in search for such a marriage of convenience. I think we should start a LGBT MOC marriage beaureu it will give more competition to the straight matrimonies.. haha..! Good luck keep updating on how your situation turns out.

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VersTop_Hyd
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 02:45 PM

@Kani2707, its so saddening to hear your conditions. But I must say, you are great. Still sticking to your inclination and not running a gals life by marrying for society sake. Really appreciate you on that buddy.

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VersTop_Hyd
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 06:39 PM

You didnt ruin a gals life*
Was auto corrected..

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Sasmathu
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 06:52 PM

Guys first please dont get carried away with this western concept of coming out. That simply doesn't happen in Indian society. Familial acceptance is a rarity. Period. Our society is more accepting to people who dont like *** rather than same ***. Always remember this. If you are gay and if your family is forcing you to get married simply tell them you are on a spiritual path and dont want to have ***. You wont be forced and you wont loose your family also. Provided you keep your g activity under carpet nobody in your family would be bothered about it. Hell break loose if you come out.

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Hitmon50
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 07:05 PM

@sasmathu, dude why hide under spirituality this ridiculous!!

It is not western, it is just natural expression of ur sexual orientation. Nothing wrong. Indian culture had gays and lesbian nothing western.

Also coming out may *** in conservative society but acceptance of self is like getting a heaven after being hell of denial.

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Exotic1234
Posted On May 26, 2019 - 07:14 PM

I think Sasmathu has a point, what’s the big deal about “coming out” and why should someone “come out” what purpose is it going to solve? Are you going to find the love of your life just because you are out there in the open. My personal opinion is “coming out” is a completely personal choice some people feel the need and some just don’t. Once out you can never undo it, so it has to be a well thought out decision. The person has to be emotionally strong, the very friends who were nice to you will be embarrassed to be seen with you and you will be the butt of all jokes at any party. Even your causal chats will be seen as sexual advances. It might put you at a position of disadvantage at work and future career. The concept of “coming out” is alien to India. However does homosexuality not exist here, I think it is probably more rampant than anywhere else in the world. Most Indians swing both ways and are sexually fluid. Everything happens but people don’t want to talk about it, it’s more like the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. I guess to each his own but coming out should not be such a big deal what’s important is leading a life that you love.

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Naveenkumar1145
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 03:19 AM

I agree with @hitmon50. @sasmathu it is not a western phenomenon which has migrated into India. Please educate yourself. Homosexuality has been prevailing in India and other countries way before the westernization. In fact, it was even accepted in many places before Britishers came and imposed their barbaric laws. People of India have forgotten that it was acceptable here too many many years ago. If " That simply doesn't happen in Indian Society" then who's to blame for it?? If we do it change this rhen who will??? we are also a part of society and we have equal rights to be who we are and not hide behind a facade of any sorts.

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Vanju
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 06:17 AM

I completely agree with Sasmathu. This whole "coming out" thing is nothing but another decadent, ignorant western concept. It doesn't even work in western countries with 100% literacy, with people there still being unable to accept homosexuality. If we claim that being homosexual is as normal as being heterosexual, then why make a big deal of "coming out"? You don't see heterosexuals "coming out" or discussing their sexuality, then why should homosexuals do that? A person's sexuality, and, indeed, *** life, is a very personal, private matter. Which is why the act itself is done in the privacy of a closed room, and not like dogs and other animals in the open.

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Coolbisu91
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 07:29 AM

I can see that some people are against coming out altogether.
As told by Vanju, I believe that coming out should not be a required thing. This should be a normal phenomenon that people will get to choose who they will love without being questioned. But that would be an ideal society and our present situation is far far away from that.
And @exotic1234, coming out won't guarantee me a partner, but it'll allow me to be myself. After coming out to my friends and close colleagues and my mom, I feel much confident nowadays. As I used a huge part of my thinking on how to stop myself from being forced to get married, now after knowing that the problem has been solved, I can focus more on other things.
And @Vanju, if you think that only people from LGBT community comes out, then you're a bit wrong. Even if you're straight and you love that girl from a much lower or upper caste or a different religion, you need to come out. If you have got this huge opportunity in a city car from your home, but your parents want you to look after the family business, you'll need to come out. If you want to pursue your passion but your family want you to be an engineer and look for a high paying job, you'll need to come out. Of you're a girl from a poor family and your family is forcing you into a marriage despite your passion for studies and being established in life, then you'll come out. So coming out of not only about sexuality. It is much more than that. Just that we don't use that term there. Coming out of like declaring what you want to do. And it's only the starting point for what you want to do in life...
And here's the thing that makes people different from each other - what they want to do with their own life. May be you don't want to come out. There may be multiple strong reasons for that. But don't judge others who have made their choice. Please don't stop them who want to come out. Let them take the informed decision themselves...

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Coolbisu91
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 07:40 AM

And @vanju, I think you have got this totally wrong concept about being homosexual. For many of us, being homosexual is not only about having *** with a man. It is also about loving each other, being with each other - just like the so called normal heterosexual successful couples. It is not something to do ONLY behind the closed doors.

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Vanju
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 02:53 PM

Coolbisu, I don't think I've got this wrong at all. I'm happy that "coming out" was easy for you, but you will appreciate that such cases are very rare in Indian society. Most small town and rural folk can barely handle straight relationships that haven't been arranged by the parents/elders in the family, they'd have no clue what a gay relationship was. The chaos caused in their lives by "coming out" to them would be totally unasked for, to say the least...

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a wanderer
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 03:34 PM

@sasmathu
Firstly.... i can understand it can get real messy when there are ppl with narrow mindset around you and you come out in front of them. Many of my friends had faced such situation in past. But they anyway did it, cos they value their identity and their freedom. And after all...its their own choice. But being gay isn't all abt having seex. Why the hell we start and stop on topic of seex!
Also, There are so many 'straight' gays around here who love boys but don't have balls to go agains the flow and marry to whomever they love. Instead they try to hide behind their ability to resist, and a slogan " log kya kahenge". This is why coming out is important.

@vanju, i can understand ur point of view here. After all..we know how our parents will react in such situation. Same is the my situation. But is it okay to be in a closet forever? Family will eventually force you to marry a girl. And you will inevitably destroy her life too.
Anyways....
Lastly, i just wanna congratulate @coolbisu. I couldn't agree more on his arguments. One should try to express their feelings always. Thats what real freedom is!

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Coolbisu91
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 04:15 PM

@vanju, I accept the fact that I'm extremely privileged to be born in such a supportive family and to have such supportive friends and the conditions are much worse in most of the parts of India. I also understand that what I'm going to say next, is way difficult to get done than said...
Whenever there is a situation that we don't like, we get to choose between 3 alternatives :
1. Adopt ourselves with the situation and accept it.
2. Not accepting it, but still going with flow and keep on crying and complaining.
3. Not accepting it and keep on fighting for what seems right.
The first two paths are easier. The third one is not. But that is the only way by which situations may change. Being a rebel is never easy, it takes extreme sacrifices and guts. So not everyone can do that and I feel that choosing either of the first two paths is completely justified. But feeling the pain and still discouraging the rebel is probably the worst way to deal with such situation.
My problem with your earlier statement is at the point where you compare coming out with animal like lust. It is much more than lust. Please try to appreciate whoever is coming out or thinking about doing so. Such a homophobic comment from a homosexual person can put others - who are facing constant dilemma about coming out- to a much darker emotional state than they already are in.

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handsomedude30
Posted On May 27, 2019 - 04:43 PM

I think most of the so called "Gay" people who are looking for *** with a guy is mostly because they couldn't find a girl to have ***. Even online it is very hard to find a girl.
So they come looking for sexual satisfaction from a guy for the time being, since it is easy to find a guy online. If that is the case then there is no need to come out.

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manpurushparas
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 03:18 AM

@handaomedude, some of the 'straights' don't like monotony in their bed whether it is their wives or a gay bottom. Resultantly no homosexual relationship gets stability. This is what has been the cry of many bottoms. The straights tend to become selfish. They don't even want to 'repeat' a guy once 'used'! And I don't think even after receiving social acceptance for gay marriages will change the situation.

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Bharan
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 05:51 PM

@sasmuthu

"Coming out" is making a decision to own up one's choices, life and oneself. It is a decision to not hide something that you have learnt to not be ashamed of.
It is primarily this, and only later, about, not getting married to a woman or an opportunity to fall and stay in love with a man.

Your advice to gay men to hide behind a spirituality they don't necessarily feel, to avoid marriage, is deeply problematic, because it insists gay men to think that there is something terrible about how they feel, and denies them a chance to live their own life by their own standards. If you can't be yourself even when you are making as big a sacrifice as marriage and kids, what is the point of that life? Just to keep having anonymous and secretive ***? Is that all, do you think, life is about?


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Bharan
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 06:16 PM

@Exotic1234

Q1) What is the big deal about coming out?

Answer 1: Are you kidding?

Answer 2: Coming out is a *** big deal. It is someone making a choice to stand with integrity and honesty despite the hardships. It requires real steel balls to reject an easy way out and stand by themselves for what they are. They will lose out on a practical opportunity to have a companion. They have to sacrifice having children. Alienated from family. Ridiculed by society. Branded promiscuous and compared to animals, as some of you already did. Lol, and all the while others go about conveniently getting into marriages and cheating the women and the institution of marriage without remorse. You choose to discard values and deceit people and have rampant *** on the sidelines, and be hailed by society as the complete family man, and someone who comes out sacrifices so many things to uphold values and integrity, they are ridiculed by society and considered incomplete, secondary and all about ***??

So yes, coming out is a great *** deal, and keep aside your desperate attempts to validate your own pathetic choices and learn to respect those who make that choice. They are the pioneers. Future generations owe to them.

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Sasmathu
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 06:17 PM

@Bharan What i said is practical and what you preach is theory....so lets agree to disagree

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Sasmathu
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 06:19 PM

BTW I dont understand the logic of coming out and getting married to a women. Many straight guys dont want to get married for whatever may be the reason. So what? Similarly a gay doesn't have to come out to avoid marriage. He can simple say no to marriage without giving any reason. Do straight guys keep giving reasons for not getting married?

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Bharan
Posted On May 28, 2019 - 06:56 PM

@Sasmuthu

What you say is theoretical, impractical and preachy, is being implemented by more and more people. I understand your heart might be at right place in trying to save the people the pains of coming out, but your advice is cowardly. If you can't give the honest reason, atleast don't give any reason, as you were wondering about. Just don't throw more facades like spirituality and all.

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VersTop_Hyd
Posted On May 29, 2019 - 01:46 AM

@Sasmathu, your advice is for cowards man. Coming out to your family lets you be what you truly are in front of the people you love. You dont have to act to the person who really loved you. It gives you peace coz I know how Hard is it to pretend something that you are not in front of your Mom and Dad, who are the first to love you uncomditionally.

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MatureGuy
Posted On May 29, 2019 - 01:13 PM

Hope I have the liberty of sharing my two bits here. Was convinced of my orientation way back in school and accepted it.
I come from a broken family and my mother, with whom I lived never applied any pressure on me on the marriage aspect. She suspected and I came
out 2 her about 25 years back. We never spoke about it ever. I provided for her as best as I could. Have returned from the Gulf after working there for
15 years. Even thinking about gay *** in an Islamic country is a sin. Needed the job but not any ridicule. Did have a couple of discreet encounters but that was it.
My mother is no more and there is no one in my family who knows about my orientation. If any of us r not under any pressure, I dont see the need to
come out just for the sake of coming out. Go about your life the way u want 2. What purpose does it serve 2 wear all those colourful feathers and makeup and strut
around in parades? The community now has freedom and security 2 live more than normal lives. Everybody everywhere has their opinions
and everybody is entitled 2 them. Nobody is right and at the same time nobody is wrong. Let us all enjoy our lives DOLLS.

Joe 666, love the way you r holding your *** and commenting that u r proud of Dutee Chand. Hilarious. I am proud that u have a big guy to advertise. Live it up dude :-)

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hound
Posted On May 29, 2019 - 02:02 PM

One thing to add here on "coming out".... As gays and bisexuals we have our online groups / *** partners with whom we can share our thoughts and confusions. Not sure if there is a similar support group for parents. How do they cope ? Very easy to basically come out and get things of your chest .... But what about the impact on your parents who are not ready or open enough to deal with this.

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vishal_kumar
Posted On May 29, 2019 - 02:47 PM

Hmmm interesting to read all these different opinions and experience.

After going through some similar n yet some different experiences, here is what I think.

1. "Coming out" process is very personal and is unique to you. It does not have to conform to what people/movies/pop culture makes it out to be.
It is about you and only you get to decide what does it mean.

2. Before coming out to anyone else you need to come out to yourself. As in make peace with who you are and reach a point when you stop cursing yourself for not being heterosexual or feel pity towards you.

3. If you feel that you are feeling very emotionally vulnerable and confused, by all means reach out to someone whom you can trust and would help you without being judgemental. Can be a family member or a professional (psychologist in my case). You get to chose who that person is and you get to choose what is the pace. It is completely ok to take as much time as possible (even if it means a decade of gradually being comfortable with yourself). Don't rush yourself into anything you are not comfortable or sure about.

4. Once you have come out to yourself, that is when you need to think about coming out to someone else (if at all).

5. Also before coming out to anyone think about these things:
A. Why should I tell this person
B. What purpose would it serve (can be anything, as long as it is meaningful or practical)
C. Is this person there to stay in my life

6. If you are young, yet to have a stable career and part of conservative family then WAIT. Focus on your career. Knowing that you are financially stable with a stable career, is a big boost.

7. However if you are young and going through emotionally turbulent time, then by all means find a safe space. Find that person whom you can trust, else go to professionals like (HumSafar trust). DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

8. In my case I came out to my I had to come out to my parents because of pressure for marriage and there was no other way. I tried to stall as much as possible. Also by that time I was done with my studies and was already working for few years.

9. I came out to few very close friends, because I knew they were there to stay and I lying to them was becoming a nonsensical. Of course they are also amazing people. That helps.

10. If you are already married, and want to come out, then also. Wait! Make friends. Build a support network. Listen to other people's stories, good, bad or ugly. Understand the cost and benefits. Seek professional help (emotional and legal). After understanding what you want and what you are willing to pay, then make your choice. Whatever you choose, it is fine. It is your life. You get to choose.

But after from parents and few close friends, I don't think anybody else need to know. I am a private person and I respect my personal space.


However having said that. Coming out means different to different people. Even if it means that you want to be like a diva and be out and proud, by all means do that, if you think that is what bring more meaning to your life. We as a community also own it to such amazing divas to make our presence known in society.

As I said. It is "your" coming out story. It just needs to be authentic to you and doesn't need to be anything you don't want it to be.

We all serve a purpose in society, in our own way.

Cheers!

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Coolbisu91
Posted On May 30, 2019 - 03:00 AM

@vishal_kumar, excellently written man... Couldn't agree more...

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fifty
Posted On May 30, 2019 - 03:24 AM

Vishal, beautifully written.
Hound, there are support groups for parents. Gay Bombay/Humsafar trust organise parents' meets. There is a group called Sweekar in Mumbai.

Many people say that we need not come out to people other than those who are in our lives. I have a little different take on this - As a community we have achived decriminalization of gay *** by reading down of section 377. But we are still faraway from achieving other EQUAL rights like to marry a person of choice, have children and
other rights that come with it. The more people come out, more will the society realize that LGBT are just like us in aspectes other than who they sleep with. It should become NORMAL to see to same *** persons living together as life partners. If we want the society's attitude towards gays to change, we have to take initiative as a part of society and we have stakes in doing so.
Of course it is not everybody's cup of tea.I am not saying everybody has to come out to society. First and foremost is self acceptance and then comes acceptance by family.

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vishal_kumar
Posted On May 30, 2019 - 03:33 AM

Glad you u guys like it :)
N yes @fifty. I do agree with you

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Shank_Mumbai
Posted On May 30, 2019 - 08:07 AM

According to me,
The best way to come out is when you settled down properly, standing on your own legs, being responsible

So it doesn't matter whether your family accept you or not , you are free to live the way you want, else always you have to live in split personality.
I've seen many youngsters who are out to family friends and struggling alot. Living in a dirty small room, extreme compromises, addicted to drugs and alcohol, going for paid fun as bad financial condition.

I know few guys who are well settled and opened up to everyone.
If you are well qualified then you'll get job anyhow
So first educate yourself, have a good bank balance and do whatever you want.
This is just my opinion that what I've seen with my eyes n heard what people are going through.
Rest choice is yours.
Thanks.

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Darkstarchild
Posted On May 31, 2019 - 12:58 PM

My family was shocked. I found it hilarious because I was always open. Maybe it was their way of deal.. My mom said.. I just thought you were into rock music and was a weird desi punk. So i guess I was closer.. But i would not think to call it gay.

She was right in a way but I think that was a sweetish backhanded statement ive even heard. hahah too cute. BTW they still not okay. but since im financially independent and im cordial and nice to people.. they just dont bother about my private life.

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letsfuck
Posted On May 31, 2019 - 12:59 PM

@ Hound - There is a LGBT Parents Support Group called Sweekar. It consists of LGBT parents who meet regularly to address issues they face. They also walked the Mumbai Pride this year,

Coming Out is a very personal issue. It is as personal as one's sexual orientation. So a gay man may never agree to bisexual man's sexual life. Similarly a married straight man might never understand a cross dressers'
behavior. Similarly we each have our own philosophy as far as coming out goes.

It is very wrong to generalise an action as good as bad. If the person is ready to face consequences of his/her action which will agian be very personal, he should do what he feels is right.

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SLB51
Posted On Jun 3, 2019 - 07:00 AM

@Arunversatile24, I agree to you but let us be with people who come out. Being married and being bisexual is impossible for me to come out. I think won't ever.

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Arin
Posted On Jun 12, 2019 - 05:01 AM

Gays will be looked as defective product and genetic disease as long as gays are tagged with LGBT. Trans are def part of chromosomal abbaretion and genetic defect like xxy or xyy. But gays or lesbians are not. Make ur world simple. It is just "instead". Instead of being attracted to gals getting attracted to guys or both. Most guys have best buddies and even gals and have gone kind of attraction in their puberty or teen. But no one would accept or some might forcefully try to get attracted to gals or pretend as no one wants to bring this amother issue of their life when most people are alreadt buried with so many issue and challenges. Most so called straight are bi and they too have fantacy of hunk or sexy or cute dude

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Coolbisu91
Posted On Jun 12, 2019 - 09:37 AM

@Arin, a correction - transgender people don't have XXY or XYY chromozome. Those conditions are found in very few (not all) intersex people. Trans people are the ones who have a definite *** physically, but emotionally they belong to an other gender identity.

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sandhyaCD
Posted On Jun 16, 2019 - 02:11 PM

dutee chand is a dumb b1tch.. u hav to keep your *** orientation to yourself why shud your parents know about your ***-life,with whom all you are spreading your legs for...cheap b*tch doing cheap stunts thats all.

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Coolbisu91
Posted On Jun 16, 2019 - 03:07 PM

And that is undoubtedly the shittiest comment I've ever read on this site... @sandhyaCD